Issues ASUC candidates should consider this election season

A scooter stands alone in front of a rack full of bicycles.
Jessica Schwabach/Staff

It’s election season, Golden Bears. There are many issues and problems that we face as students of UC Berkeley and hopefully, they’ll be addressed by many of the candidates this season. From food and housing insecurity to safety on campus, these are some of the major issues that ASUC candidates speak on. But, there are other issues that are looked over each and every year. We want to shine light on some of these issues and bring them to the attention of this year’s ASUC candidates. Here are a list of issues to address to win our votes this election.

Clean restrooms

As many of you know, the restrooms on campus are not the cleanest. In fact, they are far from it. Urine on the floor, nonexistent toilet paper, graffiti all over the walls, clogged toilets and doors that don’t lock — these are just some of the things we witness during our daily adventures on campus. Dwinelle and VLSB have it the worst. When did the McDonald’s restrooms become better than ours?  

Berkeley time extension

Hey ASUC candidates, here’s how you can capture our vote: extend Berkeley time. Let’s admit it, ten minutes sometimes just isn’t enough time, especially when it’s an 8 a.m. class or you have to hustle your way from Li Ka Shing to Wurster. That’s almost a one mile hike! And yes, we do mean “hike” in the literal sense because of all those hills! Find a way to extend Berkeley time, and you’ll win our vote. It’s that easy.

A happier Main Stacks

Main Stacks has to be the saddest library to study at on campus. It’s underground, dark, cold, extremely silent and there are no ways of escaping. Spice up Main Stacks by adding some color to the walls to make it less “meh” because Berkeley is “meh” enough as it is. Sad reax only.  

Are midterms even MIDterms?  

Why do professors think it’s okay to have three midterms and a final? Is that even legal? Are they even considered MIDterms anymore? Midterms are exams that are suppose to be administered halfway through the semester. Not every quarter of the way. Make it illegal for there to be more than one midterm. Please, we’re begging you.  

Air Quality Index above 100 = school cancelled

Last semester, our lungs suffered a great amount. We lost a lot of brain cells from breathing in the polluted air and quite frankly, we can’t lose anymore. Let classes be cancelled when the AQI gets above 100 to save our remaining brain cells from being obliterated.  

We hope you’ve become aware of  these issues that have been overlooked since, well, ever. #plswerebeggingyou #thankyounext

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Kelly Fong at [email protected].