The Clog’s comprehensive guide to the art of the humblebrag

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Have you accomplished something lately that you think is great, but you’re nervous to tell your friends because they’ll be SO jealous? Did you land a sweet summer internship that you’re just dying to talk about when literally no one asked? Is your inbox overflowing with DMs from all the people trying to get at you when all of your friends are still sad singles? Are you a high-achieving person surrounded by a bunch of plebeians who will find your accomplishments elitist?

If you answered yes to any of the questions above, you’re in need of some assistance with the art that is the “humblebrag.” Lucky for you, we at the Clog are your humble experts. You may be familiar with this term already, but we’re here to share with you just how powerful this tool can be in raising your self-esteem and sense of status in a highly competitive society. Read on for a comprehensive guide to humblebragging, provided to you by the award-winning, highly lauded Daily Clog.

The first move to be made when initiating a humblebrag is bringing up the relevant topic in your conversation with whom you’d like to brag humbly to. This can be tricky, as your exceptional midterm score might be a far cry from your discussion about the recent miserable weather. The trick is to begin with a question directed at your conversational partner. If you want to flex your midterm score, ask them how their midterms are going. If you want to flex your internship, ask them how their job search is going. If you want to flex a recent hookup, ask them about their love life. This will give the illusion that you’re a compassionate listener before going in for the kill.

When they respond, it’s likely that your accomplishments will be FAR superior to theirs. Although your instincts might tell you to make your superiority known instantly, this part is the key to an effective humblebrag. Even though it might be difficult, you must empathize with their lowliness, maybe with a statement somewhere along the lines of “Yeah, I totally know what you mean.” Even though you got an A to their B-plus or your salary offer is twice theirs, making them feel like you’re on their level is crucial to the set-up.

Then, it’s finally time to do what you’ve been desperately waiting for — the humblebrag. You follow up your patronizing sympathy with the announcement of your achievement, which MUST be preceded in some way by the word “only,” “just” or some other word meant to depreciate the value of your incredible accomplishment. For example, “I ONLY got offered $100,000 at Apple with medical benefits and a new car,” or “I JUST got an A-minus — I was really trying for an A.” The humblebrag is distinct because you must downplay your supremacy to seem like you’re just one of the masses — a common person of modest roots.

Your humblebrag may or may not be followed by congratulations, depending on how humble you are. If you convey the perfect level of modesty — when the recipient understands the magnitude of your achievement without thinking you’re inflating your own ego with your boasting, they’ll offer you some congratulatory statement to which you MUST respond with something along the lines of “Oh, really, it’s nothing,” and then attribute your accomplishment to some external force beyond your control, such as “They were really easy graders.” The key feature of the humblebrag is that both individuals secretly know you’re just really amazing, but you maintain a facade of nobility.

There you have it; a step-by-step guide to the humblebrag. If you follow this guide, you’ll be able to show off all of the great things you’ve done in life without letting anyone in on the fact that you’re bragging. We at the Clog are way ahead of the times, so we’ve figured out this secret method way before the public — the common folk will have never heard of the humblebrag or know how to detect one. So go forth and let the world know just how great you are, both for your achievements and for your modesty.

Contact Hannah Nguyen at [email protected].