Clog Report: Entire ant hill found in dining hall salad

Anna Vignet/File

Here at UC Berkeley, it’s no mystery that the dining hall food is astoundingly subpar. But what’s even less of a mystery is what makes it so incredibly insipid, besides the fact that it’s repeatedly undercooked and sickening to the eye, is that Berkeley’s wildlife itself, namely bugs, also runs amuck in it. Several instances of meals with a side of a single horse fly can be seen nearly once a day on the popular Facebook page, Overheard at UC Berkeley. And last Friday night at Crossroads was no different as one lucky student, Tracey Piedmont, poked her fork into a piece of already chewed through lettuce within her salad, only to find an entire ant hill thriving at the bottom of her bowl.

“It certainly didn’t come as a shock considering the number of bugs we all know already live inside the dining hall kitchens,” said Tracey of last week’s incident. “I thought maybe they had just dumped a bunch of pepper and other seasonings into the bottom of the lettuce bar to spice things up for Friday night’s dinner, but I became suspicious once the pepper grounds started running for their lives when my fork made contact with my food.”

After taking a video using Instagram Stories’ Superzoom feature on her phone to post on her finsta and to take a closer look at what she first thought was a clump of moving pepper grounds, Tracey discovered it was indeed a swath of ants living in an ant hill that had been “j chillin'” inside her salad.

“Once I saw that the pepper grounds weren’t just specs and actually had a thorax and antennae, I knew something was up,” said Piedmont. “That lesson I had on bugs in kindergarten definitely came in handy.”

Tracey’s roommate, Genevieve, who was with her during the time of the incident, pointed out that instances like this are all too common. Apparently the general freshmen population, especially those who live in the Units and are too lazy to walk all the way up to Clark Kerr for Michelin Star service, have already been desensitized to instances of finding live creatures hidden in plain sight in their food.

“I mean, seeing that ant hill in Tracey’s food didn’t really come as a surprise to me. In fact, it hardly fazed me at all,” said Genevieve. “I found a grasshopper in my spaghetti a couple weeks ago at Cafe 3 and just decided to eat it anyway. Protein is hard to come by there.”

After speaking to several other students eating in Crossroads at the time of the incident, mostly freshmen, many noted that they “have probably eaten more bugs than actual food.”

“Yeah, it’s unfortunate, especially for students who are seeking vegetarian and vegan options,” said Piedmont. “Ironically enough, Cafe 3 definitely has it the worst.”

In response to the swarm of ongoing bug-related food incidents, the campus administration has issued a statement advising students to avoid the dining halls at all costs, forgo the “freshman 15” and instead try out the “freshman 30″ by only buying heavily processed food from Bear Market for breakfast, lunch and dinner until the issue is resolved.

“We know that bugs are unappetizing, and on-campus food is already unappetizing enough as is, so we encourage students who have already ingested the recommended limit on insects to only eat heavily processed and packaged foods from Bear Market for now,” read Chancellor Oski Chirks’s statement. “We would tell them to go to Trader Joe’s, but we don’t want them to run our establishment into the ground, so Bear Market will do for now.”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Chloe Lelchuk is the blog editor. Contact Chloe Lelchuk at [email protected].