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What your favorite pie says about you

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MARCH 13, 2019

In honor of Pi Day, we’ve created a manifesto of sorts that dictates what your favorite pie says about your personality. Now, while pi is an exceptional number, a lot of things can’t be measured by just numbers (this also applies to intelligence and GPAs). For those of you who are more interested in the culinary implications of this homophone pair, scroll to discover what your favorite pie say about you. (Disclaimer: Most of these qualities are in fact not actually correlated with your favorite pie and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.)

Apple pie

Apple pie is essentially the mother of all pies. If apple is your favorite, then as you already know, you’re classic and timeless, and even though you’re common and kind of basic, people really like you. And if you’re ever nervous about going home to meet your significant other’s parents, don’t be! Parents adore you and find you to be a more than suitable match for their pride and joy, knowing that your dependable and crowd-pleasing nature will serve them well! Besides your personality, we can guess that you probably dress fairly well, probably spending too much money at places like Anthropologie or J. Crew or anything that really gives off that put-together vibe that you seem to embody so effortlessly.

Pumpkin pie

Pumpkin pie is a staple of autumnal culture. That being said, people can really only tolerate you for a few weeks before they start to get sick of you. Despite your shortcomings though, you create a homey and comforting vibe and welcome everyone with your warm glow. While you bring people together, you also like to stir the pot and let the drama unfold around you, as you play devil’s advocate and let your extended family members brawl with each other about political beliefs at the Thanksgiving dinner table. But if you’re not a fan of drama, or you’re looking for more redeemable qualities, don’t worry, you’re what we’d call “thicc” (in a good way), and you can really pull off your endless supply of Urban Outfitters corduroy skirts and oversized sweaters! And Cal Dining serves you year-round, so they’ll always love you!

Key lime pie

If key lime pie is your favorite, odds are you have a fresh and earthy vibe and you really appreciate the natural world around you, especially lime trees and dirt. Now, that being said, you’re probably somewhat vegan and naturally, that means you’re kind of a lot, but people tolerate you. Besides your veganism though, you also probably have an annoying voice, but you’re funny as hell, so do what you will with that information. Odds are you’re also a Forever 21 kind of person, so whether you want to change your style or not, it’s fairly priced and considering how much you spend on succulents and organic foods, it may be wise to stick with it.

Cherry pie

Congratulations, you “tastes so good make a grown man cry,” as sung in the famous Warrant song, “Cherry Pie.” You’re no stranger to collecting tears, since your wild and effortless nature drives people crazy. In fact, you’re the Paris of people and you’re probably too cool for this world. Your chill nature enables you to attract whoever you want whenever you want, and you always look like a badass in your black and white outfit with red accents while you ride your skateboard around in your Vans or Converse. Don’t slow down, you are who you are!

Lemon meringue pie

If lemon meringue is your favorite kind of pie, your sour but impressive nature certainly defines you. You have no problem complaining about anything and treating people terribly — however, despite your lack of compassion and empathy, you’re very accomplished and have an impressive resume. It’s also likely that you’re a type A kind of person who has no problem cutting someone down if it means you’ll get an A or achieve your goals. You’re also really good at being decisive and making good decisions that’ll favor you in your conquest of the world. You also probably dress really classy, and only wear designer clothes. That being said, you can probably take off that Gucci belt — we get it, you’re rich.

Chicken pot pie

Chicken pot pie is the most wholesome pie of all. Much like chicken pot pie, maybe you’re not the prettiest of pies, but no one would ever say that about you because you have a really good personality and not in a pitiful way — in a real way. You’re probably one of the greatest people on this Earth, and just being in your presence makes the people around you feel calmer. You’re also always there for your friends, and even though you have more than enough baggage for multiple pie lifetimes, you hide it really well and don’t let it bring you down. You’re probably the most dependable and loving of all the pies, but your style could use a little work.

The Number Pi

Quite frankly, if the number pi is your favorite of all the pies in the world, then let us warn you, things aren’t looking great. You probably don’t care much for people including yourself, since you probably wear whatever is in front of you. You take zero pride in your appearance because you’re literally a mindless zombie. You lack substance as well as a social life, and as Eleanor Shellstrop (Kristen Bell) from “The Good Place” or Jake Peralta (Andy Samberg) from “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” would say, “ya boring.” Maybe there’s still time for you to change your favorite pie, because even though it’s great to be yourself, it would be better to be someone else in your case.

Contact Zachary Abuel-Saud at [email protected].

MARCH 14, 2019