We at the Clog were highly disturbed to learn about the college admissions scam that somehow found its way to UC Berkeley. Not only does it highlight how institutional oppression is perpetuated by college admissions at elite schools, but it has also made us start thinking about all of the things that we as students would have done with that much cash. Instead of spending tens of thousands of dollars to correct our SAT scores or Photoshop our faces on athletes’ bodies, here are some other people we would rather bribe to make our lives here at UC Berkeley a little easier.

1. The Main Stacks “take your coffee/snacks away” task force, so we can drink a damn cup of coffee at our desk in the middle of Dead Week.
2. Chad from Theta Apple Pie, so he can give us bids for all the lit frat parties on Game Day.
3. The Office of the Registrar, so we can move up our Phase I time and get into sections that aren’t at 8 a.m.
4. Every single person and club on Sproul, so that we never get flyered on our way to class ever again.
5. The random classmate in our 8 a.m. class, so they can answer the iClicker questions for us.
6. That guy in lecture who raises his hand every five seconds to ask obnoxious questions, to make him shut up for a change.
7. The person who plays the Campanile bells, so they’ll play something other than Harry Potter and Cal fight songs.
8. Oski, so that he stops skipping around and haunting us in our dreams.
9. The owner of KiwiBots, so they’re removed from campus, and we never trip on them when we’re walking and texting at the same time again.
10. The people on Sproul with the de-stress dogs, so we can take our favorite furry friends to our classes and midterms with us.

In short, there are many people that we UC Berkeley students would rather bribe than some chump to put our faces on the body of a water polo player when everyone knows any freshman in the Innovative Design DeCal could do that for us for free. We at the Clog are particularly confounded by why people would spend so much money to get into Leland $tanfurd Junior University at all.