An open letter to people who ask you to watch their laptop

Hannah Cooper/File

Dear stranger,

We see you sitting there, closing your laptop, preparing to ask us The Question. You lean so far forward that we can smell the Caffe Strada coffee on your tongue, and politely say, “Excuse me, could you watch my laptop?” only for you breeze off without even waiting for a reply. We’ve somehow been duped into being responsible for your laptop without consent. While you take your time gallivanting to the bathroom or wherever else you’re off to, we’re stuck there thinking about what happens if someone actually tries to steal your laptop.

We know you just asked us to make yourself feel better if it does get stolen. In our humble opinion, it’s rude. Did you carefully choose the protector of your laptop, sorting through individuals surrounding you at your crowded table in Wurster? Clearly you did not. You chose us. We would like to inform you that we are not strong enough to fend off a laptop burglar nor are we swift enough to swipe it before the thief swipes for it. We implore you to take more time choosing your laptop watcher next time. Please, we beg of you, consider another candidate.

Furthermore, we kindly ask you to take responsibility for yourself. Just leave your laptop unattended and let it sit on your conscience if it gets stolen. Don’t get a stranger involved. If you’re so worried that your laptop will get stolen, just bring it to the bathroom with you like that one weird guy in Wurster always does. If he can do it, so can you.

Please, never speak to us again.

Warmly,

The Clog

For full discretion, no laptops were asked to be watched in the writing of this article.

Contact Elena Cavender at [email protected].