The Clog’s 2019 Coachella predictions

Rolling hills with a Ferris wheel, palm trees, cacti, tents, and people
Katrina Romulo/Staff

We are officially days away from the best weekend of the year, Bears … you thought we were talking about Cal Day? Well, that’s mildly awkward, because we were actually talking about the actual best weekend of the year, Coachella. Every Coachella comes with new twists and turns and we are here to go on record with our boldest Coachella predictions yet, mostly so that when they happen we can say we told you so.

How likely is it that Kanye will somehow ruin Easter?

Are we talking on a scale of one to 10 or a scale of one to 2009 MTV Video Music Awards? Either way, we’re going to say a solid five, because when it comes to Kanye, there ain’t’ no tellin’.

How many people will actually ride the infamous Coachella Ferris Wheel?

This question is completely separate and not at all related to the question of how many people will Snapchat the infamous Coachella Ferris Wheel. There is a simple answer to that question, though: Every. Single. Person. Notice that these Coachella-goers’ Snapchats are always merely of the Ferris Wheel, not of them on it… Interesting. Our prediction is that a mere two out of 10 people will ride the Ferris Wheel. To quote our articulate president: “Sad.”

Will the Queen of Coachella appear?

Once the Queen of Eastwood High, Vanessa Hudgens has now earned a new title, Queen of Coachella. And we don’t predict a coup on the horizon either… so yes, there is a 100 percent chance she will be at Coachella 2019.

How many of Ariana Grande’s exes will be at Coachella?

We’ll say it. This headliner may have to duck quite few blasts from the past. Thank you, next, though.

Who will pull a Post Malone from 2018 Weekend One and get belligerent before their performance?

Hopefully, no one, but all we can say is we’re praying “Thank You, Next” isn’t too triggering for ya, Post.

How many Bears are willing to miss Cal Day for Coachella?

Hats off to you, die-hard fans. We guestimate at the end of the day most UC Berkeley Coachella-goers will hold off until Weekend Two. To quote the wise words of Hannah Montana, “you get the best of both worlds.”

Speaking of Hannah Montana… What are the odds Billy Ray Cyrus shows face at Coachella?

We say the odds are pretty high. After his feature in Lil Nas X’s new song “Old Town Road,” the sky is the limit for you, Billy Ray. New Walmart Yodeling Kid? We think so.

These predictions are hot off the press and we are ready to say “we told you so” to all of the skeptics out there. Then again, if we’re wrong, at least we have Cal Day to fall back on. We may not have a Ferris wheel, but we do have the Campanile. And we may not have Ariana Grande or Vanessa Hudgens, but we always have Chancellor Christ. Can we get a “go Bears”?

Contact McKenna Hathaway at [email protected].