Nonsmokers unite! A guide to surviving 4/20

two hands passing a joint
Ariel Lung/Staff

If you ask any UC Berkeley student, many will tell you that apart from Cal Day, April 20 is the next most glorious day of the entire school year. The birds are chirping, cherry blossom trees are blooming and the pungent smell of marijuana permeates the air. To some, this might sound like absolute heaven, but nonsmokers will have you know that this is a truly nightmarish day. What could be worse than an entire holiday dedicated to smoking?! But fear not, my nonsmoking friends! Here’s a comprehensive guide on how you can survive this eventful occasion as a nonsmoker.

Hide out in your dorm room

Donning a gas mask, of course. You can’t trust those air purifiers to do their job. Also, just to be safe, hold your breath if you need to walk down the corridor to go to the bathroom — you never know if someone’s hotboxing a toilet stall.

Wear horse blinders when walking down Sproul

If you absolutely have to brave the world on this 4/20, make sure you avoid eye contact with anyone and everyone for the entirety of the day — you never know who’ll offer you a joint. It might just be someone you know and trust!

Practice intermittent fasting

This is an absolute must — you need to abstain from consuming any food products the entire day. You never know what is and what isn’t laced with weed. Bonus if you don’t drink any water — what if marijuana tea exists?

Avoid any open, grassy areas

This may or may not be true, but the Glade might just be a place where smokers will join together to light up on 4/20 — avoid this area at all costs! If you have to go to Moffitt to study, make sure you do your research on what direction the winds will blow. You don’t want to be downwind of the Glade on this particular day!

Don’t stop to smell the roses!

Run, don’t walk, to every single one of your classes. The less time spent outside, the less chances you have of accidentally inhaling a lungful of secondhand smoke. Wait, though… wouldn’t running actually cause you to take up more oxygen, thus increasing your potential inhalation of smoke? I guess you really can’t win in life.

Really, though, even if you don’t smoke, make sure you take the time to appreciate how great 4/20 can really be. With marijuana now legal, people can enjoy their favorite hobby of getting high without being scared of getting arrested. Everything in moderation, and happy 4/20!

Contact Jazmin Cubilla at [email protected].