The hero we need but don’t deserve: How Oski will defeat Thanos

Thanos vs. Oski showoff
Chi Park/Staff

“Avengers: Endgame” will hit theaters tomorrow, April 26. With this being the end of the era of Iron Man, Captain America and more of our favorite superheroes, many have been wondering how it will end. How exactly will Thanos be defeated? Popular theory suggests that Ant-Man will shrink in size, crawl up Thanos’ butt and expand. Although the Clog is hopeful of this defeat, we have another hero in mind that could do an even better job. Our favorite bear, Oski, has what it takes to beat Thanos, and here are the many ways our talented superhero can bring peace to the world.

Snapping his white-gloved fingers

Sure, Thanos has an infinity stone glove, but that doesn’t compare to Oski’s white gloves. There’s a reason you’ve never seen Oski snap! Some would blame it on the poor flexibility of his hands, but we at the Clog know the real power behind it. By snapping his white-gloved fingers, Oski has the power to add life to this world instead of wiping it out like Thanos’ snaps.

Beating Thanos in beer pong

No one can deny the light scent of alcohol that goes wherever Oski is. While many people think Oski’s just drinking half the time, what they don’t realize is that Oski is, in actuality, training to defeat Thanos. Beating Thanos at beer pong is the ultimate defeat, in which Thanos will combust from shame.

Oski’s own version of infinity stones

Oski has his own set of infinity stones that can allow him to access his full power and defeat Thanos. What could these infinity stones be, you may ask? Well, Oski’s own version of infinity stones include an empty can of Keystone, a JUUL with a mint-flavored pod, a bell from the Campanile, an empty seat at Moffitt and a failed midterm. Although these infinity stones don’t have their own individual powers, when they come together Oski is basically unbeatable.

The power of chant

Anyone else notice how once someone yells, “Go!” it will always be returned by “Bears!”? This, by far, is Oski’s easiest way to defeat Thanos. The reason why we’ve never heard Oski speak is because his voice is too powerful! Let it be known that once Oski yells”Go!” at Thanos, he will be too preoccupied to return with “Bears!” that he’ll entirely forget to wipe out half of the population.

Lecturing Thanos for two hours

UC Berkeley is considered to have the bravest of college students — especially when having to sit through a two-hour lecture. To defeat Thanos, Oski will lecture Thanos to the point of absolute boredom. In his bored state, Oski will then skip toward Thanos, steal the infinity stone glove, and there you have it! A foolproof plan if we’re being honest.

Forcing Thanos to listen to The Chainsmokers

Be honest, does anyone actually know someone who willingly listens to The Chainsmokers? Nope? Didn’t think so! This may be Oski’s strongest plan and power, as he’s really the only one who can physically and mentally get through a song by The Chainsmokers. By sneaking AirPods into Thanos’ ears, Oski can blast The Chainsmokers into Thanos’ brain. Because Thanos’ hands are too big to get the AirPods out, this will ultimately leave only Thanos snapping The Chainsmokers out of existence in order to help save the human race.

So, for all those asking who will defeat Thanos? The Clog’s cracked the case for you! Oski will ultimately be the only person on Earth and in the universe that can defeat Thanos.

Joyce Cam is the assistant blog editor. Contact Joyce Cam at [email protected].