Clog Report: UC Berkeley to launch Campanile to prove we’re powerful

A view of the campanile from below
Jenna Wong /Staff

In order to again assert that they are the No.1 public university and definitely superior to $tanfurd, UC Berkeley has begun plans to launch the Campanile into space. Construction has been under wraps until now. Students can still go up the Campanile but risk being sent up along with the tower.

When asked about this new campus initiative, Chancellor Oski quipped, “It’s such an iconic part of campus, the aliens out there deserve to see it, too. Plus we need to show those nerds at Stanford that we’re obviously more powerful than they are. Rankings schmankings, except of course, the fact that we’re the No. 1 public university.”

The UC Berkeley Department of Astrology has been working to install rocket boosters to the bottom of the Campanile. The professor heading the project, Alexa Flipper, confided in the Clog.

“You’ve probably always wondered why the Campanile is at the top of those steps, right? Well now you know,” Flipper said.

She added that the astrology department is working hard to make sure the date of the launch lines up with the stars and planets.

“We need to make sure that Jupiter is in Aries and Mercury is in Virgo, or this entire thing is going to go to hell,” Flipper said.

The UC Board of Regents has announced that they aim to mimic what Elon Musk did with his red Tesla Roadster and strap a replica of Chancellor Oski to the top. They also plan to play David Bowie’s “Space Oddity” instead of “Life on Mars?” to show any extraterrestrial observers that we have good taste in music. Why exactly? Our Clog astrologists say it’s because UC Berkeley likes to be different.

“When will UC Berkeley stop making everything a competition?” said campus senior Armie Strong.

The Clog anticipates that the Campanile will be ready to launch in 2068, just in time for UC Berkeley’s 200th anniversary and years before Stanford will even consider launching the Hoover vacuum tower anywhere.

Contact Pooja Bale at [email protected] .