Dear graduating seniors, please don’t be these types of alumni

Crystal Zhong/File

It’s almost that time, Class of 2019 — time to put on those graduation caps, grab those diplomas and leave the UC Berkeley campus for good. And over these past few years, you’ve learned so much, whether that be how to navigate backed-up university bureaucracy, negotiate your way into any class or even rid your apartment of mice.

And although these are skills that you will truly use for the rest of your life, we’re concerned that UC Berkeley has failed to teach you one last thing. So, we at the Clog have taken it upon ourselves to educate you on how not to be an obnoxious UC Berkeley alum.

First of all, you don’t need that “Cal Alumni” bumper sticker. We understand that you’re excited to finally be an alum, and we get that you want to flaunt that you graduated from the No. 1 public university in the world, but do us a favor and put that bumper sticker back on the student store rack. The last thing anyone wants to see while stuck in traffic is another UC Berkeley bumper sticker, especially if you intend on staying in the Bay Area after graduation.

Although this next one is hopefully one for the far future, it’s of utmost importance. Don’t shame your children into also becoming a UC Berkeley student. We know that after a few years of being away from the university lifestyle and the campus, you’ll inevitably begin to romanticize your college days. And as hard as it’ll be to not consider your four years here as your “peak,” we can only say that for your child’s sake, let them go wherever they want. There’s honestly nothing worse than Cal alumni of 40 years trying to relate to your life now.

Next, it’s important that you begin to diversify your wardrobe. Just like the college freshman who shows up every year still wearing their high school letterman jacket, wearing your UC Berkeley gear every day will come off the same way. We aren’t saying to completely rid your closet of Cal gear, but for everyone else’s sake, please wear something besides that ratty T-shirt you got at freshman orientation.

Finally, and maybe the hardest to accept, once you become a UC Berkeley alum, it’s time to rip off the Band-Aid and distance yourself from campus. There always seems to be those lingering alumni who keep showing back up year after year. And although we do want you to visit, now’s your time to finally make something of that degree you’ve worked so hard for.

So, Class of 2019, as your time at UC Berkeley comes to an end, we wish you the best, and we pray (for everyone’s sake) you take these few alumni rules with you!

Contact Emily Denny at [email protected].