Game of Thorns: Weeks 1-5 of ‘The Bachelorette’ are the hot mess you wanted

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It’s finally summer! That means swimming, barbecues and watching petty men bicker over roses during “The Bachelorette” on Monday nights. Alabama Hannah is back after getting her heart broken by Colton, a man so bland that Ben Higgins looks like Miss Congeniality next to him. Already almost halfway through the season, we’re here to recap the past five weeks of Hannah’s journey. Let’s see how many times people say “Roll Tide” this season!

 

Week one: Bring on the (insecure) men!

You can already tell that Hannah has her work cut out for her. We have Luke P., a guy who admits he slept with too many girls in his heyday before he found God. Cam is a man who thinks he can rap, but as anyone with any hearing capabilities can tell, he cannot. We also have John Paul Jones, who has a constant Blue Steel look on his face. Then there is Pilot Pete, a prepubescent Nick Viall look-alike, and Luke S., a postpubescent Nick Viall look-alike. And these are just five of her 30 men. In the end, Luke P. gets the first-impression rose and one guy is kicked out for having a girlfriend back home. Standard “Bachelorette” drama to get this season going!

 

Week two: It’s already getting way too hot in here

The first group date starts with a Mr. Right pageant, which begins with a Speedo portion. It’s totally not gratuitous nudity to win over the show’s core demographic. During the talent portion, Luke P. decides that his talent is being way too intense way too fast and professes to Hannah that he is falling for her — despite cumulatively interacting with her for about as much time as an “Arthur” episode.

For Hannah’s one-on-one, she takes Tyler G. — a man who looks vaguely like a real-life version of Gaston — four-wheeling. Afterward, they have decent but unmemorable conversation, but it is enough for Tyler G. to take home a rose.

The second group date is a roller derby competition, which actually looks pretty dangerous. Unfortunately for the producers, no one rides away in a flurry of sirens; but fortunately for them, Cam shows up to the after-party despite not being invited on the date card. Cue the disgruntled men talking snidely about Cam’s “disrespect.”

The guys who get eliminated at the rose ceremony are still too forgettable to list.

 

Week three: The smell of fragile masculinity

This week’s group date is pregnancy-themed, complete with a pregnancy simulator and a female anatomy quiz, which shows the startling lack of sex ed these men have. Someone thought you grew ovaries during pregnancy. Ovaries!

Connor, who speaks like every frat bro ever, gets the one-on-one date. Because Hannah gets ambiguously sick, they spend some time cuddling in her bed. Later, when Hannah is feeling better, she summons Connor from the mansion and they dance to a private concert from the band Lukas Graham, which is … actually kind of famous?

Because nothing screams “romantic” like product placement, the second group date is sexily themed around the upcoming “The Secret Life of Pets 2.” The men pose with various animals, but when things get too spicy between Peter and Hannah, Luke P. gets so jealous that Hannah tells him to take his possessiveness of her down a notch.

The cocktail party is replaced by a tailgate (because the constant use of “Roll Tide” was not enough to show that Hannah is from Alabama), which Cam immediately ruins by taking Hannah away and telling her multiple tangential sob stories. Hannah is confused but gains clarity later when Mike tells Hannah about Cam’s plan to get a pity rose. It does not go down well for Cam at the rose ceremony.

 

Week four: Luke what you made me do

The men get to leave the mansion and jet off to exotic Rhode Island! But first, Hannah and Jed have a one-on-one in equally exotic Boston. Jed admits that he initially came on the show because of its “huge platform.” But now he is all in this for Hannah; the boost in Instagram followers is just a happy side effect.

On to a Luke-off! Because the producers did not get their ambulance money shot from roller derby, the first group date is a rugby match, which almost immediately results in Luke P. body-slamming Luke S. to the ground. No one — except for all the producers, the audience and the rest of the contestants — saw this coming. Luke P. tries to defend himself to Hannah, but it doesn’t look good, especially since almost every guy tells her they are not friends with that boy.

By the time of her next one-on-one date, Hannah is still distraught. But Tyler C., in all of his peacoat glory, is here to get Hannah’s spirits up again by actually listening to her problems. After a heart-to-heart, the two go on a romantic lobster-trapping trip.

At the cocktail party, the Lukes continue their Luke-off, so much so that Hannah asks to speak with them in private. And of course, the producers decide that this is the perfect place to end the episode.

 

Week five: Plaid with envy

The Luke-off continues in this episode, with the two men pettily bickering in front of Hannah until she gets fed up and leaves. Before the rose ceremony, Luke P. gets a rose and Luke S. decides to go home — and right before the gang goes to Scotland!

Mike gets the first of the week’s one-on-ones with Hannah, and they do very Scottish things such as drink scotch and eat haggis. At dinner, Mike talks about love and all the gooey stuff that makes Hannah and all the viewers melt. He wins the rose and America’s heart.

For the group date, the producers really want to hammer it in that the gang is in Scotland, so they dress everyone in kilts and bring out some Scottish men to host some Highland games and say the word “lass” a lot.

Luke P. has the one-on-one date, but it’s no walk in a Scottish park. The whole outing consists of Hannah and him visiting picturesque places while she asks him direct questions that he consistently dodges. Nothing has changed by dinner, which is where the producers leave us.

Julie Lim covers television. Contact her at [email protected].