Game of Thorns: Week 5B of ‘The Bachelorette’ is why we can’t have nice things

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Just warning everyone: This episode is a glorified recap that the “Bachelorette” powers that be decided would be OK when scheduling this season’s broadcasts, because they know that like the addicted fans we are, we will still watch all two hours of it.

Let’s jump right into it! And by “it,” we mean the excruciatingly painful experience that is watching Hannah and Luke P.’s one-on-one date. Since the episode picks up right where the show left off last week, literally nothing has changed. Luke P. still has no self-awareness or accountability, and Hannah is still clinging to the chemistry they had when they made out on a massage bed. You just know Chris Harrison is behind the camera somewhere gleefully watching this dumpster fire.

Finally, Hannah has a moment of lucidity and tells Luke P. that she can’t give him the rose because, as the rest of the audience has been screaming for the past few weeks, it doesn’t make sense. Thank God! We can finally move on to more footage of Tyler C.’s abs and Mike’s adorable grin, right?

Nope! Because we can’t have nice things, the unwanted boomerang that is Luke P. leaves and comes right back around to plead his case to Hannah. Straight out of a Tommy Wiseau film, Luke “Won’t Take No for an Answer” P. gives a poorly performed emotional monologue about how he can’t stand “being in this position” — this position being the incomprehensible fact that he is being sent home. Even though. This happens. To contestants. Every week.

But Luke “Oblivious” P.’s CW-angst-filled plea seems to work on Hannah. To maintain some semblance of control, she gives him an alternative option — he still isn’t given a rose but is allowed to stay until the rose ceremony, where he has to duke it out with the rest of the men. Cue countless annoyed shots of the other contestants when Luke P. walks back to the hotel room. At this point, the producers must have a whole file of contestant reaction shots to Luke P. just ready to be used whenever Luke P. opens his mouth. Or breathes.

At the cocktail party, Hannah tells the guys she wants tonight’s conversations to be vulnerable and deep, which Garrett entertains for a hot second when he’s with her before switching the conversation to everyone’s favorite subject: Luke P. Wanting to know if Luke P. snitched on anybody like he did with Luke S. last week, Garrett presses Hannah until she admits that Luke P. did name a few names — which is all Garrett needs to confront Luke P.

The ensuing petty bickering becomes so loud that a frazzled Hannah has to play kindergarten teacher and tell the boys to stop. Garrett and Devin attempt to explain the house’s unceasing animosity toward Luke P. to Hannah, most of which has to do with the fact that he is always giving excuses and is consistently caught in conflicting statements. Hmm, sounds like almost the same reasons why Hannah initially sent Luke P. home. What a coincidence! But Luke “Always Digging Himself Out of Holes” P. continues to spew out vague defensive statements to the point where Hannah has to essentially quiet-coyote him. She has one last piece of advice to everyone — quote, “stay in your freaking lane” — before walking out and wondering if all the future Instagram sponsorships are worth the headache.

The millisecond Hannah leaves, Luke “Can’t Read a Room” P. continues his circuitous defensive tirade, and the petty bickering starts up again. This time, Hannah is armed and ready, chugging down her glass of champagne before walking back into the room and scolding everyone for focusing on Luke P. instead of trying to get to know her better. She cancels the cocktail party, and Chris Harrison, remembering that he has a job on this show, comes out to play pseudo-therapist. Anyone with a pulse can see that there is an awfully strong, tangible similarity between every time Hannah has been upset, and it rhymes with “puke me.”

And because the producers know a Class A shit-stirrer when they see one, Luke P. gets a rose. At least we can move on from all this and get on with gratuitous shots of Tyler C.’s abs, right?

Nope! It’s 2019, Logan Paul is still a thing, and we still can’t have nice things. Instead of the second half of the episode exploring Hannah’s developing relationships with the men, we are delivered straight to a fireplace at the Bachelor Mansion, where Chris Harrison and Hannah recap everything that has happened so far. Since the start of the season. Which was five weeks ago. After essentially rehashing the Luke P. drama for the first half of the episode. Damn you, “Bachelor” producers!

But just before we’re about to quit this season, we’re teased with upcoming gratuitous Tyler C. footage, mysterious tension about a contestant who may propose earlier than the finale, some naked skydiving and — in a shocking turn of events — more Luke P. drama. Just enough to keep us hooked.

Damn you, “Bachelor” producers.

Julie Lim covers television. Contact her at [email protected]