Ahh, there’s nothing like our Bachelorette walking through a field of tulips that screams that she and her men are in Amsterdam. Apparently, Hannah ripping a bong while the guys eat space cakes at a coffee shop wasn’t deemed “family friendly.”
I’m fine. I’m fine. pic.twitter.com/vihvoxkh84
— Hannah Brown (@AlabamaHannah) July 2, 2019
Hannah whisks Jed off to the first one-on-one date of the week, taking a tour of the city and conspicuously avoiding everything that makes Amsterdam a tourist destination. Instead, they explore the wonderful attractions this picturesque European city has to offer that would delight tourists under 10, such as a chocolate shop, a toy shop and a puppet show. It’s all so wholesome, which makes sense because that is what Amsterdam is known for — wholesome, PG-rated fun. Later, when an old Dutch couple asks where they are from, Jed disappoints the entire American education system by telling the couple that they are English. We would say, “At least he’s better at singing than he is at geography,” but is he really?
Hannah cannot stop gushing about Jed. It is clear that she is very into him by the way she lights up like a joint (too many Amsterdam references?) whenever she sees him. Too bad it turns out that Jed had a girlfriend the whole time during filming, whom he told not to worry because he was only going on the show to further his music career. Also too bad for Jed that Hannah catches feelings so fast — during their dinner, she giddily tells him that she is falling in love with him. Jed reciprocates the sentiment with acting that is even more flat than his singing. But our girl is too blinded by love and the sheen of Jed’s forehead to notice, and she immediately gives him a rose.
The next one-on-one date goes to everyone’s favorite dimpled Scott Eastwood-Matthew McConaughey love child, Tyler “Thirst Trap” C. He and Hannah ride horses around The Hague, even though 1) they are the only ones riding horses, 2) the roads are clearly not made for anything with hooves, and 3) the two are terrible at riding horses to the point that it is a safety hazard for the confused onlookers. But it’s fine — it looks romantic, right?
— Clara🌹 (@Clara_mikela) July 2, 2019
The two try a traditional Dutch delicacy — pickled herring, which, to quote Tyler C, “is, like, one of my worst nightmares.” Oh, to be a straight white male and live in a world where one of your biggest nightmares is an overly salty fish. They feed each other pickled herring from their horses, which is a logistical nightmare and not even remotely romantic. In fact, everything on this date seems like a logistical nightmare, but it’s fine — Tyler C. opens up about his family during dinner and gets a rose. Score one for dimples!
The last one-on-one date goes to Smile Train Mike, whose grin is rumored to have lit up the entire Eastern Seaboard during the last hurricane. Connor is so disappointed in not getting a one-on-one that he goes to Hannah’s room. What ensues is a weird I’m-just-not-that-into-you talk from Hannah, which is a hint-hint-nudge-nudge to Connor to self-eliminate to save face, which he does. It’s fine — he looks like Patrick Schwarzenegger, so he’ll find another one of Colton’s rejects to suck face with in Paradise.
Hannah is barely even affected by Connor’s self-elimination the next day on her biking date with Mike, which we’re pretty sure the producers put them on just so the activity and the guy’s name could rhyme. They go to an avant-garde artist’s loft and get a portrait commissioned, which is equally eclectic. Mike is all smiles during their date, but Hannah has her doubts. During dinner, she sends Mike home because she cannot imagine a future with him. It’s fine — Mike has Demi Lovato thirsting after him and almost all of Twitter clamoring for him to be the next Bachelor, so he can’t be too teary.
— A M A N D A 🌜🌻 (@itsamandagrrl) July 2, 2019
Remember that feeling of calm you had throughout this whole episode because Luke P. wasn’t intensely gaslighting anyone and everyone in his way? Well, that is all about to change. Back at the hotel, the producers have made the rest of the contestants sit out in the living room to wait for Luke P. to open his mouth and irk everyone. They don’t have to wait long — pretty soon, Luke P. has everyone all riled up and properly tense for tomorrow’s group date.
— Bachelor Bob (@BachelorBob_) July 2, 2019
Now with two roses available and three guys left, the group date has awkwardly turned into a nonviolent, fragile-masculinity “Hunger Games.” All pleasantries are skipped as Pete, Luke P. and Garrett are immediately transported to what looks to be a church (but because it’s Europe, it could just be any common building) for a mini cocktail party of one-on-one’s. Everything proceeds as you would imagine: Luke P. immediately turns his one-on-one time into tattle time and takes a page right out of the Taylor Swift handbook of self-victimization. Garrett spends his one-on-one time having to defend himself again from Luke P.’s allegations. And Good Boi™ Pilot Pete just makes out with Hannah during his time.
Everyone follow Pilot Pete’s example! This is how you get roses!
— Fernanda Fernandes♥️ (@ferpfernandes) July 2, 2019
Pilot Pete, of course, gets a rose and gets to go back early and jump into Tyler C.’s arms. Their relationship immediately overshadows any other relationship on the show.
— Mandy (@mandyli23) July 2, 2019
Clearly, Hannah equates red flags with red roses, as she gives Luke P. the final rose and sends Garrett home.
— the three-eyed thot (@_nVaughan_) July 2, 2019
It’s fine. Everything is fine.
Julie Lim covers television. Contact her at [email protected].