Game of Thorns: Week 9 of ‘The Bachelorette’ is pointless if you think about it

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It’s hometowns week here in the “Bachelorette”-verse! That means two things: It is time to silently judge the contestants’ families, and Luke P. has been here for eight weeks too long.

Pilot Pete and the wholesome Webers in Westlake, California

Did you know Pete is a pilot? Not sure if the show has mentioned that yet, but in case you or Hannah forgot, Pete takes Hannah on a private flight over Southern California. They even fly above the Bachelor Mansion, which is probably considered historic in Los Angeles. After the flight, some “Bachelorette” interns set up a couch in front of the airplane right outside the hangar — just so no one forgets Pete’s humble aviation roots while he and Hannah have a pre-meet-the-family talk. 

The Webers are the most wholesome family to ever grace this franchise, and suddenly it makes complete sense why Pete is such a stand-up guy. The family holds hands and chants a fun German prayer before every meal, guys. Every meal! It is unnecessarily adorable and leaves us all with the question, “Are the Webers secretly the Gergiches?”

Even more preciously, both Peter’s mother and father shed happy tears about the idea of their son being in love. It’s so wholesome that Chris Harrison almost has to bust out an impromptu season of “Bachelor in Paradise” to make sure the show still has a semblance of trashiness. Unfortunately, the date ends with uncertainty, as Pete misses his chance to tell Hannah he loves her. But we’re sure his family has a German chant to cheer him up.

Tyler C. chillin’ and grillin’ in everyone’s favorite state

On to Jupiter, Florida: home to Tyler C. and the place where Patriots owner Robert Kraft was caught soliciting prostitutes. 

Gotta love Florida!

Tyler continues to look like he simultaneously stepped off of an Abercrombie bag and a 1950s Western film. He shows Hannah around sunny Jupiter by boat — and yes, gratuitously revealing swimsuits and saucy sunblock lathering are involved.

At the Camerons’, Tyler is reunited with his dad for the first time since he left for the show, and it is freaking adorable. His family talks about how Tyler took on a lot of responsibility and became the rock of the family when his father was ill a few months before “The Bachelorette” started filming. (We’d like to point out here that Jed’s father allegedly still helps pay Jed’s rent.)

In all their heartwarming friendliness, Tyler’s family confirms that Tyler is the beautiful, kind, perfect man that we’ve known him to be. They all are excited about the possibility of Tyler being engaged to Hannah at the end of this. In true Tyler C. fashion, the date ends with him straddling Hannah in the back of a car for some PG-13 action while some poor driver in the front seat pretends that he’s getting paid enough for this.

Prayin’ it up with Luke P. in Gainesville, Georgia

Since religion is a cornerstone of Luke P.’s personality (that and an intense lack of self-awareness), he takes Hannah to meet his Sunday school group. Before praying, Luke repeats his (apparently only) personal story about how he “chased sex” in college until he found Jesus in the shower. This would have honestly been a cool story if Luke hadn’t already talked about it to the point where he is now forever known as the Shower Jesus guy. No one wants to be known as the Shower Jesus guy. Luke’s church chums only have good things to say about Luke, which Hannah (as well as the rest of America) is shocked to hear. 

The hometown date is honestly the least punchable portrayal of Luke P. we’ve seen since — well, since ever. Thank goodness it only took nine weeks to get there. Luke’s family has nothing but nice things to say about their Shower Jesus son, even though Hannah is quite blunt about how Luke has consistently been a terrible person on the show. At the end of the date, Luke tells Hannah he loves her, and she eats it up. Hannah gushes about how happy she is that she actually had a good day with Luke, which even colorblind people would call a red flag.

How to be an (aspiring) singer-songwriter in Tennessee with Jed

Jed is so excited to see Hannah (not to promote his music career, but because he loves Hannah!) that he immediately takes her to a recording studio. He innocently suggests writing a song together, which is so romantic and, coincidentally, also a great way for the cameras to record hours and hours of Jed singing for national television. Just to make sure there will be footage of him in a professional recording studio, Jed drops the L-bomb, and Hannah glows brighter than she has with any of the other guys. 

It’s an understatement to say that Jed’s family is less than receptive to Hannah. Despite her pageant upbringing, she can’t seem to charm them. Maybe because they are confused as to why Jed is bringing this girl home when he had a girlfriend before he left? 

The golden moment of the episode is when Hannah tells Jed’s mom that she told him she’s falling for him and Jed’s mom responds with a vicious deadpan, “And I’m like, do you say that to all of them?” All of Jed’s family continues to insist that Jed needs to focus on his singing rather than his romancing. For a man who has only released three singles on Spotify, they are oddly very protective of his “career.”

Please give out the roses already

At the rose ceremony, Hannah readily gives out roses to Peter and Tyler but hesitates with the last rose. She doesn’t know (Luke) who to eliminate (Luke) and is torn (just send Luke home already). 

Hannah is so torn that she leaves the room, and Chris Harrison has to come out of the Jacuzzi he stays in permanently when not hosting and do his best to stiffly comfort her. When she goes back to the men, Chris Harrison subtly (but not really) brings her another rose, meaning no one leaves and Hannah still has a semi-bad taste in men. So what really changed this week?

Julie Lim covers television. Contact her at [email protected].