We’ve made it, everyone. We’ve made it to the moment we’ve all been waiting for — not the reveal of whom Hannah gets engaged to, not Luke P.’s premarital sex TED Talk and not even Hannah flipping off the Shower Jesus™.
No — we’ve finally found out whom Hannah fucked in a windmill. Twice.
And what better place for all of this drama to happen than picturesque Greece, home to Aristotle, gyros and John Stamos? Especially since it’s fantasy suite week, Hannah can live out her “Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again” dreams on this episode. Donna would be proud.
— Paige Wiley (@paige_wiley) July 17, 2019
“Lay All Your Love on Me” with Peter
Peter is the first date of the week, and he is, like, so, like, excited. He and Hannah sail around the coast of Crete, and after Peter gets over his confusion about being on a moving vehicle that isn’t an airplane, he and Hannah get down to some heavy making out. The scene goes from Disney Channel to the CW pretty quickly — but don’t worry, it’s not HBO level yet.
Peter is nervous at dinner because he still hasn’t dropped the L-word. After a considerable amount of saying “like” as every other word and mentioning a few flying references, he finally tells Hannah he loves her, and that’s all she needs to hear. They waste no time and head over to their fantasy suite room.
Wait, by chance, is that … a windmill?
Why, yes, it looks like their room for the night is located in a windmill! And we have a winner!
In the morning, Hannah leaves flushed with happiness. She calls Peter “Zeus” and herself “Aphrodite,” clearly having not brushed up on Greek mythology before coming here. But it doesn’t matter because she’s a woman who just had sex in a windmill. Twice!
“Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)” with Tyler C.
Hannah’s next date is with Adonis incarnate — if Adonis had Matthew McConaughey’s personality and Rihanna’s big dick energy — Tyler C. The two head over to a spa, where they strip down and get oiled up. With Hannah constantly mentioning her and Tyler’s crazy explosive physical connection, who would have guessed that their couples massages would devolve into a saucy make-out session with Tyler straddling Hannah’s back?
But Hannah has her reservations and wants to know Tyler beyond his chiseled abs. So at dinner, she pulls out the “I don’t want to have sex in the fantasy suite because I want to get to know you better” card. Tyler, in all his considerate glory, gives a great monologue about how he respects Hannah’s decision and of course would never pressure her, simultaneously honoring Hannah’s boundaries and making every other woman’s panties drop.
— Paulo Neto (@PauloJRN) July 16, 2019
After a night of consensual deep talk, Hannah and Tyler emerge from their overnight boat cheery and fully clothed. Hannah gushes about how Tyler is, like, the most respectful man she’s been with, like, ever — proving that, because the bar for men on this show is on the floor, all you need to do is respect a woman to be considered a unicorn in this franchise.
“The Name of the Game” with Jed
Speaking of (not) respecting women, Jed is up next. Hannah and Jed crash a Greek family’s lunch and get grilled about Hannah’s upcoming decision. Throughout it, Jed sits next to her stewing that he is still mentioned in the same breath as Luke. After they leave, Jed asks Hannah why Luke is still here after proving himself to be a human version of taking up two parking spaces.
Jed’s shaming Hannah because her other boyfriend doesn’t have the same character as Jed’s other girlfriend #thebachelorette
— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) July 16, 2019
The topic of Luke P. also takes up Hannah and Jed’s entire dinner conversation. After some frustration from Hannah that Luke is still being brought up and from Jed that Luke still exists here, Jed comes to the conclusion that he trusts Hannah and her ability to make the right decision. With that, Hannah readily ignores the fact that the entire date was spent fighting and drags him to the fantasy suite — again, because the bar for men here is under the ground.
“SOS” with Luke P.
Speaking of men who have set the bar low, we’re finally onto the other moment we’ve been waiting for! Let’s skip Hannah and Luke’s entire date in Santorini and get right into possibly one of the most iconic confrontations to happen on this show.
That’s right, it’s Luke’s “let’s talk about sex” speech!
Honestly, the agonizing experience of watching Luke’s drama being dragged out all these weeks has been worth it for these blissful 10 minutes of Hannah telling Luke off. Luke begins by saying that if, Shower Jesus forbid, Hannah has slept with the other contestants this week, Luke would of course have to remove himself from this sinful situation. You can almost see the glass shattering in Hannah’s mind as she realizes that all the men have been right all along — Luke is a massive, righteous douche canoe.
— Brett S. Vergara (@BrettSVergara) July 16, 2019
They do everyone’s least favorite dance of Hannah explaining why she doesn’t like what Luke is saying and Luke insisting that Hannah is misinterpreting every single word he’s saying. Only this time, Hannah is standing her ground. It’s glorious and should be shown in every gender studies class from here on out.
Luke tries to interrupt her every other sentence, but Hannah is on a roll about how Luke has no right to control her body or her decisions — especially considering that she’s given him a million chances already. She walks him to the car and sends him home, but not without letting him know that she had sex in a windmill. Twice.
Hannah: "I had sex in a windmill. TWICE!"
— Dan Emerson (@dscapp) July 16, 2019
Somewhere out there, Peter is giving a wink to the camera.
Julie Lim covers television. Contact her at [email protected].