Welcome to the 15th annual Hunger Games that is the “Men Tell All” special!
This year’s games begins with our very own Chris Harrison-Flickerman announcing to the live audience that it’s going to be a very different “Men Tell All” this season: The mosquito-that-won’t-die that is Luke P. has some unfinished business back in Greece.
And just like that, we’re taken back to Crete, where two of America’s favorite contestants and Jed stand awaiting their fate. Thought Luke P. was sent home? Think again! Imagine a “Here’s Johnny” level of intensity as Luke P. vlogs on his way to the rose ceremony, telling Hannah he is not giving up on their relationship.
— Jessica Franks (@jef3r1) July 16, 2019
This man has 5 feet and 8 inches of pure chutzpah as he stands in line with his fellow non-eliminated contestants and pretends that everything is normal, as if he wasn’t sent home in a feminist storm last week. To be fair, he has set a precedent of being sent home and begging his way back onto the show, so maybe some of his delusions are grounded in logic. Meanwhile, Chris Harrison, who is loyal to Hannah but even more loyal to the Gamemakers, pretends nothing is out of the ordinary as he leads our Bachelorette into the rose ceremony.
Seeing Luke, Hannah immediately tells him to leave. Being Luke, he doesn’t. He wants to win her back after using his faith to completely slut-shame her and refusing to change his point of view — because Hannah obviously completely misconstrued what he said and she’s putting words in his mouth. It’s all a simple misunderstanding that they’ll laugh about at their wedding, right?
Hannah is not having it, but Luke’s toxic masculinity is so in her face that she has to physically move the table with the roses on it away from him. That’s right: She doesn’t need a man to move mountains for her; she moves them herself.
— Hannah Brown (@AlabamaHannah) July 23, 2019
Like the oblivious Ken doll that he is, Luke continues to “fight for” Hannah and their relationship. At this point, Tyler C. steps in and, emboldened by their leader’s big dick energy, Jed and Peter follow behind him. Even Chris Harrison feigns interest in Hannah’s well-being and comes out to usher Luke out of everyone’s sight.
Finally, we’re done with the Shower Jesus man-baby, right? Nope! Like shoulder pads in women’s clothing, he is unnecessarily back, showing up at the “Men Tell All” arena ready to spew more baseless defenses with the twisted rhetoric he calls logic. He and Chris Harrison have some witty banter (if by “witty banter” you mean Chris Harrison asking some mild questions and Luke P. staring off into the vast unknown for full minutes before coming up with non-answers). This goes on for almost a full hour, people. A full hour of unnecessary Luke P. interviewing!
— anna (@anoelfloyd) July 23, 2019
Luke’s time in the hot seat is full of his classic defensive techniques: saying he was misheard, saying he was misunderstood, saying he was misconstrued and saying he didn’t mean the words he just said. He boldly proclaims that he wouldn’t change a thing from his time on the show — only to come back after a commercial break and say that of course he would change “a whole lot.” It gets so tedious that Devin, a contestant literally no one remembers, has to come out and school Luke on how to treat women before Chris Harrison remembers that this is the “Men Tell All,” not the “Luke P. Tells Lies.”
Finally, finally, the memorable men (and a few randoms) from Hannah’s season come out. After the guys have their say with Luke, Chris Harrison pulls other contestants onto the hot seat. Fan favorite John Paul Jones, who is most definitely Keanu Reeves in a blonde wig, allows a random woman in the audience wearing a WWJPJD shirt to cut off a lock of his hair, because this is normal behavior. Chris Harrison also gifts him chicken nuggets, which John Paul Jones gloriously shares by throwing them into the crowd in an Oprah moment.
— Theodora Dini (@theodoradini28) July 23, 2019
Mike is up next in the hot seat and essentially gets prepped to be the next Bachelor, which no one is complaining about. A beautiful man who is charismatic and charming, and who has a smile that can light up a small country? Who is of an actual believable age to get married? Yes please!
Hannah Beast comes out and has a heart-to-heart with Chris Harrison about why she kept Luke on for so long. There’s a little bit more of Hannah berating Luke than we would like, and then Luke just gets up and leaves. And, Shower Jesus willing, that very well may be the last time he graces our screen. Pop the champagne and turn up the music — we can now go on to hating on Jed full time!
Also, don’t forget bloopers: the two minutes of footage that we endure two hours of the “Men Tell All” for!
Hannah apologizes to the camera for keeping Luke P. on our screens for way too long and ends the episode with a Roll Tide. Like the calm before the storm, all is good and well — until next week’s finale.
Jule Lim covers television. Contact her at [email protected].