The “Fast and the Furious” franchise. Our current presidency. Crocs. Trash men being on this season of “The Bachelorette.” These are just a few of the things that have been going on for too long. But don’t worry — one of these ended this week (for now)! Yes, after a long and excruciating journey down the road littered with rose petals, sexualized windmills, too many conversations with both the words “shower” and “Jesus,” salmon-colored jackets and a few Chris Harrison appearances, we have made it to the finale. Thank goodness we had four hours, stretched along two excruciating days, to watch Hannah’s journey come to a debilitating end. After starting with 30 candidates, Alabama Hannah has finally narrowed it down to one person, which is more than we can say about the Democratic Party. Who will she pick: live-action Jimmy Neutron, a golden retriever or the last good man in America?
Just kidding — Peter is eliminated about 10 minutes into Monday’s episode. (Hannah is on a deadline, people!) Tears are shed on both sides, but it’s fine — Peter has, like, a 50 percent chance of being the next Bachelor, and isn’t that actually winning the show?
Peter comes out for the live “After the Final Rose” interview with Chris Harrison, and he brings his whole pack of golden retrievers (aka his family) with him. Chris Harrison brings out Hannah so Peter can have “closure.” But it’s really so Hannah can drop the bombshell that Peter spun Hannah’s windmill not twice, not even thrice, but four fucking times! Literally four fucking times! Even Peter’s parents are cheering for their son when Hannah pours this spicy chai. Ah, white people.
— jenna gazzo (@jenna_gazzo) July 30, 2019
That’s the last we see of Peter, but you gotta give him this — he really left with a bang (or four).
Back to Greece, it’s time for the final two to meet the parents, siblings and a few vague relatives. Of course, Tyler charms the Brown clan with his annoyingly charismatic way of praising Hannah without putting her on a pedestal. Even Papa Brown is gushing after meeting the legend that is Tyler C.
On the other hand, Jed, like the human equivalent of licorice that he is, doesn’t leave a good taste in the Browns’ mouths. It’s almost as if he got a play-by-play from Tyler on how to win over Hannah’s family and then decided to completely ignore it. The family is not charmed by him or the fact that his job title still includes the word “aspiring.” Hannah’s dad voices his concerns about Jed’s lack of financial stability, and Jed reassures him that, like all of the greats, he has signed a deal. With a dog food company. You almost can’t even laugh because you see how proud Jed is of this accomplishment and then you just feel bad.
To be fair, it’s 2019, and women are capable of earning money in the real world, which Hannah reminds her dad. But then again, the fact that the biggest accomplishment of your daughter’s potential husband is a dog food commercial is plenty of reason to worry — even if just for the optics of it all.
jed: my greatest accomplishment is writing a dog food company jingle
— ✰ katelynn ✰ (@kmiller7663) July 30, 2019
On to the final dates, which go just as you think they would. Tyler and Hannah ride horses just so the producers can make sure Tyler is always straddling something. Later, he also straddles Hannah, and they have their classic Hannah-and-Tyler saucy makeout. It’s like HBO but fully clothed.
Hannah and Jed have their final date sailing around the Mediterranean, where Hannah immediately gets seasick and pukes. If that’s not Poseidon up there telling Hannah, “Yeah, that’s a no from me, dawg” about Jed, we don’t know what is.
On to Tuesday’s episode!
Neil Lane makes his semiannual appearance on this franchise so Tyler and Jed can pick out engagement rings and pretend they know what a princess cut is. Meanwhile, Hannah is on her way to the engagement site when she asks the driver to stop so she can get out and clear her head. As she walks down the road, she slips and falls down in her expensive-ass engagement dress — which, again, is divine foreshadowing about how the finale is about to go down.
Because guess what? Hannah picks Jimmy fucking Neutron over Feminist Adonis. Tyler’s breakup is brutal, but as always, Tyler is endearing as hell as he tells her he will always be rooting for her. Everywhere out there, women’s hearts break while their ovaries burst over the fact that this means Tyler is still single.
Guess what Jed brings to his proposal? Is it upfront honesty about how he’s had a girlfriend this whole time? Of course not — this is “The Bachelorette,” not the “The Twilight Zone.” He brings his guitar and sing-poses to her. But Hannah must have watched “High School Musical” too many times growing up and has conflated white men singing mediocre music with true love. She accepts Jed’s proposal, and the two are happily engaged for about the length of an episode of “The Office.”
— Bachelor Bishes (@BachelorBishes) July 31, 2019
That’s right — the People article has come out, and Hannah is not a happy camper about it. Apparently, right after they got engaged, Jed told Hannah he was hanging out with a girl right before the show. But Hannah did not know the extent of the relationship until we all did, when the article dropped. Hannah confronts Jed about everything, and his best excuse is that he did not consider his ex an actual girlfriend. That’s right — he slept with her, had her meet his parents, had a weekend getaway in a cabin with her, went on a trip to the Bahamas (paid for by her parents, thank you very much) and said “I love you” many times. But Hannah’s supposed to believe that this is all just casually hanging out.
And it gets even saucier. Jed explains to Hannah that even though he was “hanging out” with this girl a day before the show started filming, he’s not an asshole because he eventually broke up with her. In his heart. Just not verbally. Or to her face. We can all put our pitchforks down now because he totally broke up with his ex before the show started filming. Just spiritually, not literally. He just thought, “Yeah, we’re broken up” on the limo ride over to the Bachelor Mansion.
Dear Jed, Everyone goes into each season skeptical, but the good ones go in single. #TheBachelorette
— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) July 31, 2019
OK, based on how much she loves Jed’s singing, Hannah may be deaf — but she’s not blind. She is not feeling Jed’s explanation and takes off the ring. Somewhere out there, Neil Lane feels a chill in the air.
We’re then taken back to Chris Harrison’s definition of a good time, the live “After The Final Rose” stage. He interviews Hannah, who confirms that she is not with Jed anymore. Ever the sadist, Chris Harrison brings out Jed, who walks out to about three lone claps (which, to be fair, he is probably used to from his concerts). Jed continues to apologize to Hannah, and Hannah, to her credit, is really gracious and wishes him the best for his future. Then she tells him to his face that she doesn’t love him like that anymore. Really, this is for Jed’s benefit so he knows what an actual breakup is.
— Kelsey Greissing (@KelseyGreissing) July 31, 2019
And finally, in the last 15 minutes of “The Bachelorette,” we are rid of all the trash men from this season. The breath of fresh air that is Tyler C. walks out, and he continues to be Hannah’s No. 1 cheerleader, going on about how strong she has been during all of this. Chris Harrison, the coy minx that he is, asks Hannah about her feelings for Tyler, and she essentially asks Tyler out on a date. Everyone is standing on their feet, cheering harder than when they learned Hannah and Peter had sex four times in that blessed windmill.
And wow, is this what it’s like when your favorite sports team scores something at the last minute? Do you believe in miracles? Tyler agrees to drinks, and this is truly the most dramatic season of “The Bachelorette” yet, because even though the show is over, we still don’t know if Hannah will end up with Tyler.
— Ramiro Paredes (@RamiroParedes) July 31, 2019
But thank Shower Jesus the season is over. This show needed to end so “Bachelor in Paradise” could start, because really, what are “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” but foreplay for the main event?
See you in Mexico!
Jule Lim covers television. Contact her at [email protected].