Clog Report: UC Berkeley allows caterpillars to enroll in classes

Illustration of giant caterpillar on a desk with a student
Alexander Hong/Senior Staff

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In light of recent news regarding an invasion of California oak moth caterpillars, the UC Berkeley administration has voted to allow the caterpillars to enroll in classes along with the campus’s approximately 35,000 other students. As mentioned in an email sent out to students, the school plans to increase class sizes by 1,000 spots to accommodate for caterpillar enrollment.

These caterpillars first appeared on campus a few weeks ago and have since made it their home. It’s only reasonable that they’re allowed to take full advantage of the nation’s No. 2 public university. UC Berkeley has allowed them access to all campus resources, such as the Student Learning Center, cutsies to the front of the line for office hours and exclusive access to I-House’s secret kombucha fountain.

Oski was overheard speaking to his colleagues about the enrollment of caterpillars, boasting, “We don’t need to really increase class sizes, right? The students were doing fine before, what’s a few thousand caterpillars gonna do? It’s not like there’ll be any overenrollment issues, we don’t even have those now!”

Junior Kat Pillars expressed much discontent at the caterpillars being allowed to take the same classes as her. “They’re in all of my classes, and they take all the good seats in the back. Like, they literally cover them. How am I supposed to browse Facebook when I’m forced to sit right in front of the professor?”

Senior Forrest Woods confided in the Clog, “These caterpillars, man, they’re smart. They phase-one’d all the classes I need to graduate, which my dumb ass phase-two’d. Everyone told me it would be okay, but I’m currently sitting at number 12,189 on the waitlist for one class and 3,324 for another.”

Other students have mentioned being irritated by caterpillars crawling on backpacks when outdoors, often screaming, “Get your own!” as swarms of caterpillars engulf said backpacks. There have also been reports of caterpillars launching sneak attacks from trees onto unsuspecting students for quicker transportation. At least now the caterpillars spend their time in the classrooms instead of in the salads at the dining halls!

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Pooja Bale at [email protected] .