Recent reports have surfaced concerning the future of UC Berkeley’s roads. According to these reports, the UC Berkeley Caustic Committee has decided to tear up the current blacktops and replace them with basic sidewalk concrete through a process known in the industry as “reverse renovation.”
This new sidewalk, which is made of the same material as the sidewalks around the city of Berkeley, is much cheaper to produce and maintain, but there is a trade-off in terms of quality: The projected number of trips and stumbles per day are almost 10 times higher than those of the current blacktop. About 33 percent of those who trip and stumble are expected to eat dirt. Another estimation shows that about 8,300 more liters of blood will rush to faces once the blacktop is replaced, and self-esteem could drop up to 65 percent faster than ever before.
“Honestly, I love the sidewalks around Berkeley,” said campus junior Ty Shoelace. “As a student athlete, I find that it really helps with my balance training. One minute, I’m strolling down the street to get lunch, and the next minute, I have to intricately place my feet in near-impossible positions, so that I don’t wipe out and slam my head on the concrete. That’s why I’m looking forward to the reverse renovation project: It will be a constant source of practice.”
Other students are not as optimistic about this project. “I went broke because of the sidewalks,” said campus sophomore Judy Faceplant. “In my freshman year, I tripped and fell so many times while walking to and from Crossroads dining hall that I ended up wasting my monthly allowance on doctor’s visits. If this sidewalk is introduced to UC Berkeley’s campus, I might just have to buy a bike, because there is no way I would walk on campus with those surfaces.”
The reverse renovation of campus roads plans to save the school thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of labor, as the new sidewalk’s maintenance strategy is to check for cracks every few generations, and there is no hired maintenance crew. Instead, high school students in need of volunteer hours are tasked with filling in the cracks. They do not even require any professional materials: with just some gloves and Crayola Air-Dry Clay, they can get to work on the repairs that will be necessary every few generations.
The UC Berkeley Caustic Committee hopes that the saved dollars and labor hours are able to go toward more important aspects of the campus, such as squirrel food, more chalk and a second, taller Campanile.
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.
Contact Hamzah Alam at [email protected].