What UC Berkeley students would’ve brought back from Area 51 raid

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On Sept. 20, the largest ever Facebook event was held: “Storm Area 51, They Can’t Stop All of Us.” This raid on Area 51 drew a lot of attention in the summer, sprouting plenty of memes about what people would bring back from the secretive U.S. Air Force base. As the date approached, the event lost a lot of steam, so it could be possible that this is the first time you’re hearing about it. The raid itself may have been uneventful, but what if a UC Berkeley student managed to sneak in and get away with some secret treasures? Here are some items a UC Berkeley student would’ve brought back if they raided Area 51.

Unlimited boba card

Have you ever imagined what it would be like to get all the free boba you could drink from your favorite boba place? The intrepid UC Berkeley Area 51 raider sure did. As soon as they saw this in its glass case, they knew they had to have it. Who knows if this unlimited boba card is alien technology or connected directly to the American government’s coffers. All they know is that it’s a dream come true.

Affordable housing

It can be difficult to find anywhere nice to live in Berkeley that’s also affordable. It was the same for the UC Berkeley student who raided Area 51 until they brought it back with them. What they grabbed was a piece of alien technology that creates a pocket dimension where physical spaces appear bigger than what they actually are in reality. Now, the broom closet that they used to live in is the size of a house on the inside — yet the student pays the same price as they did before! 

Perfect study tool for their classes

One of the pieces of alien technology that the UC Berkeley student picked up was the perfect study tool. Using some kind of virtual reality setup, it teaches you anything you want to know. These devices could even take in lectures, readings and other materials from a class to give you the perfect study session in less than an hour. Now they’ll never have to worry about failing another test ever again.

Teleporter that takes you straight to class

Some mornings it would be nice to not have to spend time getting to school — that’s time that could be used for sleeping. The UC Berkeley Area 51 raider was thinking the same thing and actually managed to snag a teleporter on their way out. Now, they can flick a switch and be sent immediately to the front of their lecture hall. But the student has to admit they’re a little annoyed the machine takes 30 seconds to warm up before it gets going. After all, that’s 30 seconds that could be used toward catching some zzz’s. 

Sadly, these items (if they exist) remain locked behind Area 51’s gates. Maybe one day, the military will release all of these wonderful inventions to the general public without the need of an actual raid. Until then, we’ll have to stick with our memes and hopeful wishes.

Contact Zachariah Nash at [email protected] .