Clog Report: Freshman upset because he hasn’t dropped out to found startup yet

Illustration of person thinking about being rich
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A worried Joey Haas confided in The Daily Clog that he feels behind because he still regularly attends class and learns from some of the best professors the world has to offer. According to Joey, “college was supposed to be just a stepping stone to dropping out.” But now, he’s already falling behind on his timeline to move back into his parents’ basement to found his own startup. 

Despite his thriving social life, participation in multiple clubs and 20-unit course-load, Joey reportedly feels dumb because his CalCentral account still reports he is registered as a full-time student at UC Berkeley. “I’ve already heard of other students dropping out to focus on their startups,” he explained.   

Remembering the day that he was accepted into UC Berkeley, Joey said he was overjoyed because now he had the opportunity to be like his idol Zark Muckerberg, a college dropout who got rich off by seemingly altering the fabric of modern democracy. “That acceptance letter told me I could finally become anybody I wanted to,” Joey told the Clog. “Because now I finally had the opportunity to drop out and disappoint my parents, professors and friends.”

When asked whether he had any ideas for a startup, Joey revealed that he had one. “I love AirPods,” he told us, “but it’s so easy to lose one of them.” The solution? Have something that connects both AirPods, possibly a wire. Continuing on, Joey revealed that while the case is great, he thought it’d be even better if he, “never had to worry about whether my AirPods were charged enough, so I want to connect the AirPods directly to the phone so it can get power from there.” With innovative and original ideas like these, we at The Daily Clog were astounded that anything could make Joey feel stupid.

“All I need to do is alienate my professors, ditch my classes and find a billion-dollar idea that would make me instantly successful without much effort,” Joey said. Given his brilliance, The Daily Clog has no doubts that he can successfully drop out.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Rishi Balakrishnan at [email protected].