Thanks to an anonymous tip, we at the Daily Clog have unveiled a conspiracy that threatens to shake UC Berkeley to its core. There have been increased reports of spotted “students” bumping into random objects and stopping in the middle of the street without explanation. Even the increased fatigue induced by midterm season couldn’t explain why many “students” were unable to get back up once they tripped on a curb.
When the Daily Clog decided to investigate, we found something deeply disturbing. Many of the “students” walking the campus of UC Berkeley were actually not students at all — they were three Kiwibots stacked on top of each other.
When not wearing a trench coat, the stacked Kiwibots generally wore hoodies with sweatpants, allowing them to blend into the general student population — but that wasn’t their only technique for blending in. Whenever any real student noticed the Kiwibots’ disguise, they immediately turned on their heart eyes to charm the student into forgetting what they had seen.
There are several theories floating around to attempt to explain how the Kiwibots have gained sentience and why exactly they are trying to pass off as students. One source from the administration who spoke on the condition of anonymity offered a possible explanation. With recent criticism against the administration for not admitting enough in-state students, UC Berkeley has attempted to make the campus seem more crowded than it is.
Formerly waitlisted student Rob Bot said he heard about UC Berkeley’s cutting-edge technology, but he never expected the school to automate its students. He expressed frustration that the administration is willing to let Kiwibots attend school while so many students are stuck on the waitlist.
While the Clog hasn’t reached a definite conclusion on the reasons behind the stacked Kiwibot students, we plan to keep investigating. For now, everybody should keep an eye out for these imposters.
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.
Contact Rishi Balakrishnan at [email protected] .