On Oct. 8 about 1:30 p.m., campus senior Trek Schwinn rode his bike directly over the UC Berkeley seal near Doe Memorial Library. Multiple reports have claimed that Schwinn did not seem to intentionally ride over the seal, but simply forgot the seal was situated right in front of him.
“This is one of the most controversial cases of modern times,” said manager of superstitions Oski. “We have had multiple incidents of students accidentally walking over the seal, skateboarding over it and even nearly running over it, trying to jump out of the way of the seal midstride. But riding a bike over the seal is still hotly contested in terms of curse legitimacy.”
According to Oski, there are multiple types of seal curse infringements. The first kind is also the most basic: Walking over the seal, whether the student is aware or not, is considered worthy of being cursed. This is because of the most direct form of contact between a student and the seal: the feet.
Of course, students could also lie down directly on top of the seal, but there have been no noteworthy reports of such an incident occurring, and therefore, that possibility is deemed null and void by the records department of the Superstitions Division.
The other kind of infringement is the hotly debated one: riding a bike over it. This form of contact is not nearly as direct as walking over the seal, since technically the student would not have physically been touching the seal. The logistical department argues that since the seal touches the tires of the bike, the tires touch the bike and the bike touches the student, the student ought to be cursed.
“We cannot possibly take that argument at face value,” said Cal Cursing, assistant to the manager. “By that same logic, anyone walking near the seal would also be cursed, since they would be touching the same concrete that the seal would be touching. It would be irrational to curse the entirety of the student population, so that cannot be the logic we use to attack this particular situation.”
As explored in a previous Clog Report, the curse is meant to keep students from walking on the seal. “It is a matter of respect for students to keep off of the seal, so the curse came about as a defense mechanism for that sort of behavior,” Oski said in his official statement to the board of the Superstitions Division.
He also mentioned the significance of the context of this particular occurrence, claiming that Schwinn’s standing as a senior means that a curse could potentially ruin his future more intensely than underclassmen’s. “At that point, we would be using the curse not as a deterrent for students being over the seal, but as a tool of emotional and mental disturbance against UC Berkeley students.”
At the same time, however, Oski acknowledged that not taking any further action would be setting a faulty precedent. As a result, it was decided by the Superstitions Division board that there would be no intentional curse placed upon Schwinn for his actions. But he will be mandated to roll down 4.0 Hill three times a semester until he graduates to ward off any unforeseen and unintentional curses.
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.
Contact Hamzah Alam at [email protected].