Dear the Daily Clog,
Happy 13th birthday! Wow, to think it’s been 13 years since you first came into the world and brought to it your unique sense of humor — all of your satirical Clog Reports, quizzes that are an appreciated distraction from the cold suffering in the world and all the other wonderful posts that you create.
Now that you’re 13 years old, you’re officially a teenager! Oh no! Please don’t start rebelling against your parent publication, The Daily Californian — they have it hard enough as it is, having to find funding and whatnot. Today, your childhood may come to an end, but what a great childhood it was. Remember that time you posted about the Harlem Shake flashmob in Doe Memorial Library? Or when you made that quiz titled “Which inappropriate Donald Trump tweet are you?” Ah, good times, good times.
On a more serious note, if you haven’t already noticed, you’re going to start going through some changes. You may find that you’re moody all the time or that no one understands you. You may come to believe that the only cure is ice cream or that you need to do something incredibly drastic like dye your hair, get a piercing or rebel against society. Your body is also going to start going through changes if it hasn’t already. But don’t worry, the Daily Clog — this is all just a part of growing up. If you have any questions about puberty, but don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone, you should watch “Big Mouth” on Netflix. It’ll do a fairly good job of guiding you through this transformative time in your life.
Also, even though your childhood is ending and people are going to start expecting more from you, additional responsibilities are a good thing! You’re going to learn so much more about who you are and the world in the next few years. You’ll have so many milestones: having your first kiss, graduating middle school, starting high school, getting your driver’s license, going to college, getting alcohol poisoning for the first (and hopefully only) time and so many more. Then before you know it, you’ll be a grown-up.
Believe it or not, you’ll probably start to find your parent publication and other adults uncool — but we get it. Just try to remember all the things we’ve done for you over the next few years, while we’re driving you to Starbucks to hang out with your friends, the mall or wherever kids hang out these days. Remember, we were all teenagers at one point, so we get it. But the least you could do is try to listen to us when we tell you silly bandz aren’t cool or that the music your favorite boy bands make really isn’t that deep. And remember, no matter how many times you tell us “It’s not a phase!” we know it is.
Peace and Love,
A Concerned Adult
Contact Zachary Abuel-Saud at [email protected].