The Clog’s satirical guide to im-peach-ment

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Recently, an impeachment inquiry began the potential process of impeaching the president of the United States. What does it mean to be “impeached”? It’s often a dirty, loaded word in politics that’s concerned itself with a few pivotal figures and powerful men in Washington. Impeachment is the process that determines whether or not an elected official is guilty of an illegal crime, and the process is long and strenuous — one requiring months’ worth of calculations, plenty of sunlight and of course, about 1,000 pounds’ worth of fresh peaches. The process of impeachment is split up into three stages: inquiry, purification and ceremony.

Stage 1: Inquiry

The inquiry stage is initiated by Congress if they have evidence that the official has done something illegal or committed any crimes. The purpose of this stage is to determine if the rest of the process is necessary. During perhaps the most mundane part of this stage, Congress simply takes a vote. If at least 63.457% of Congress finds that the evidence is enough to continue with the process of impeachment, further steps are taken to advance the process. These steps include notifying thousands of farmers across the United States to begin planting peaches and tech startups nationwide to begin producing the “nanobees” — hybrids of bees and machines. The nanobees pollinate and fertilize the thousands of peaches, which will later be used for the main ceremony of impeachment, much faster than ordinary bees. This step is crucial to ensure that the impeachment process doesn’t take too long.

Stage 2: Purification

Once several weeks have passed and the peaches have grown, they’re harvested and immediately sent to the highest peaks of the Black Hills to undergo purification. Once at the Black Hills, the peaches are taken into a secret chamber within Mount Rushmore. The ghosts of deceased presidents then perform the purification of the peaches, which is important because only purified peaches can be used in the ceremony. Then, through the power of positive thinking and several apophyllite and sodalite crystals, the peaches are purified and delivered to the site of ceremony.

Stage 3: Ceremony

For every impeachment process, a unique site for the ceremony is chosen based on coordinates that are discovered by the scientists at NASA and researchers in the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers. These scientists spend weeks, filled with sleepless nights and lots of coffee, trying to figure out the exact location where the angle of sunlight will triangulate with the Yangtze River valley in Northwest China — the location where the first peaches were believed to grow and flourish on Earth. The last impeachment ceremony to occur is famously known for the triangulated location being a Carl’s Jr. in the middle of Tampa, Florida.

Once the location has been discovered and the purified peaches have been delivered from Mount Rushmore, the figure undergoing impeachment is placed upon the sacred altar — which was crafted from the cherry tree the first president, George Washington, chopped down as a child. Then, a singular peach from the purified peaches is placed on the individual in question by the chief justice of the Supreme Court, who divines from the peach whether the person in question is innocent or guilty. If the person is innocent, the remaining peaches are to be enjoyed by all those who’ve traveled far and wide for the ceremony. If the person is found guilty, the person shall be covered on the altar by 1,000 pounds of peaches and must later consume every ounce of it. This ritual is performed in order to cleanse and purify the individual of their impeachable crimes from the inside.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Zachary Abuel-Saud at [email protected].