Clog Report: Student goes to pumpkin patch alone, defies social norms

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Countless reports made by the Clog’s trusty scientists have consistently proven that being alone is viewed as absolutely unacceptable and disgraceful in the UC Berkeley society. But that doesn’t stop brave, daring students from going places … by themselves.

The Clog received word of a student at a local pumpkin patch who was alone and jumped on the anomalous situation immediately. Bystanders were observed staring at the student in concern and asking if they were “lost” or needed help finding their “friends.”

The student, who wished to remain anonymous to their friends retorted, “I just want to live my best fall life — is that too much to ask? So maybe all my friends are swamped in work and don’t have time to appreciate some darn pumpkins, but I’ll always be there for them. The pumpkins, I mean. Not my friends.”

When questioned about the validity of their friends, the student answered, “The pumpkins are my only true friends now. We took cute fall pics together, and I put them on my Instagram. It’s official. Who needs Brad and Angela anymore? Their 20 CS projects and 55 papers are supposedly more important than me. And they’re not imaginary, I swear. But they might as well be.” What scathing commentary!

The student also told the Clog that going to a pumpkin patch alone “wasn’t, like, even that big of a deal.” With everyone so busy trying to take photos from a million different angles, no one pays attention to people irrelevant to their own photos, the student explained.

While this student may have done the unthinkable by going to a pumpkin patch alone, the Clog applauds them for saying yes when every other person says no. Not only does the student get to participate in the rebellious nature that seemingly gave UC Berkeley a name for itself, but they likely also made a few new orange friends to bring back home with them.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Pooja Bale at [email protected] .