We’re not sure if you’ve heard, because it’s not like it’s a big deal or anything, but Cal broke Stanford’s nine-year streak of winning the Big Game – which means the Axe is back in Berkeley! Despite only being back for a few weeks now, the Axe has already developed an addiction to the one and only Caffè Strada.
Maybe it’s the accent on the “è,” or maybe it’s the absurd amount of caffeine in their coffee. Regardless, the Axe is hooked on Strada. Just like many UC Berkeley students, it wishes it could quit, but also wouldn’t have it any other way. Apparently, across the bay at Stanford, they don’t need as much caffeine because they don’t need to actually stay up late studying to get an A (we know, it’s crazy, the Axe said this, not us).
Besides the caffeine addiction, the Axe’s recent arrival back to Berkeley has inspired it to get into social justice while getting a strong education here at the No. 1 public university in the world. It’s also already attended some fairly large protests, like the climate strike Dec. 6, and engaged in some civil discourse on Sproul, while onlookers are starstruck because not only is it the Axe – but it’s talking about important issues!
UC Berkeley’s reputation is about more than its activism, though. It also includes its intense and, dare we say, legendary consulting club network. According to a source close the Axe, it already has offers to join Berkeley Consulting, Voyager Consulting, the Berkeley Group and more. There are already rumors that the Axe is headed to Haas, where it’ll learn a few things that’ll supposedly make it worth hundreds of thousands of dollars more than the rest of us, but we’re not really sure if it’ll get accepted considering it hasn’t suffered through UGBA 10 or a calculus series yet.
While the Axe has been picking up a bit of a “Haas snake” reputation, it’s important to remember that just like most UC Berkeley students, the Axe gets lazy from time to time and orders delivery. In fact, we at the Clog have it on good authority that the Axe was seen surrounded by Kiwibots, all of which were delivering food to the mythical tool. The Axe has even stepped up its fashion since leaving the forests of Palo Alto, trading in its Vineyard Vines and Sperrys for flannels and a pair of Birkenstocks.
Even though the Axe hasn’t been back at UC Berkeley for too long, it’s already picked up many of the mannerisms and stereotypes of UC Berkeley students, and we at the Clog can’t wait to see what it picks up next!
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.