Game of Thorns: Weeks 1-3 of ‘The Bachelor’ have way more drama than necessary

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The arduous, three-month wait is over. “The Bachelor” franchise is back again for season 24, kicking off 2020 with its 30 gorgeous women and one OK man. What better way to start off a new decade than watching 20-somethings cry over a man who still lives at home?

Week 1: Meeting the budding Instagram influencers

Pilot Pete is back, fresh off of his heartbreak — and, more importantly, his sexy windmill romp — from Hannah B.’s season. He’s ready to meet the 30 potential wives who will vie for his heart and his Instagram followers. Most of these women were high schoolers only about five years ago — keep this in mind. 

The limo entrances are filled with pilot puns, flight attendants and, naturally, windmill references. None of the moments are remarkably memorable until Peter’s old flame, Hannah B., rolls up last, making all the girls in the mansion quake. Is she here to win over Peter’s heart again? Or is she just here because the producers made her come? 

It’s most likely the latter, especially as she hands back the wing pin Peter gave her on her first night of season 15 of “The Bachelorette.” It’s anticlimactic to the max, but producers have to do what producers have to do.

And because the producers want to keep reminding viewers that Peter has a stable, well-paying job, the first group date of the season is airplane-themed. Kelley cheats on the final leg of the airplane-themed obstacle course but wins a private flight with Pete, as well as the group date rose, anyway. 

For the first one-on-one date, Peter takes Madison to his parents’ vow renewal, which totally isn’t too fast for a first date at all. But Madison takes it in stride and fits right in at the Weber household.

The episode ends on a cliff-hanger — Peter and Hannah B. having a heart-to-heart while camera operators shakily film from behind various pieces of furniture. The two stars talk about what’s been happening post-“The Bachelorette” finale. He ends the episode by asking Hannah if she’d be interested in joining the house. 

Week 2: ChampagneGate™ 

We pick up right where we left off, with Hannah B. and her smudged mascara talking to Peter about their relationship. Hannah jokingly says she and Peter should go catch a flight in a very “haha, just kidding … unless?” way. But Peter remembers he’s the Bachelor, with 22 other hot women vying for him, and the two part ways. 

 The cocktail party gives us the best and stupidest moment of the season so far: ChampagneGate™. Are you ready?

So, Kelsey has been saving a special bottle of champagne for the past year, and she decided that this was the night to share it with Peter. She leaves the bottle on the fireplace while mingling with the other girls. But because good things can’t happen in the Bachelor Mansion while producers are around, Hannah Ann takes Peter to the fireplace and shares Kelsey’s champagne with him. Kelsey confronts Hannah Ann, who claims that it was all an accident. ChampagneGate™ eclipses the entire rose ceremony to the point where viewers don’t even know who went home.

Aside from this searing drama, a new week means new group dates. Peter and his girls go to a clothing store, Revolve, where they are told they’re going to compete in a fashion show. For the after-party, ChampagneGate™ is rehashed as Hannah Ann talks to Peter about feeling bullied by Kelsey. Kelsey insists Hannah Ann knew about the champagne, but Hannah Ann insists she didn’t. To quote Peter, “Like, this is insane.”

Week 3: Prepare for turbulence

And we’re back again with the aftermath of ChampagneGate™ rippling throughout the house. Kelsey and Hannah Ann continue to hash it out at the house while Victoria P. goes on her one-on-one with Peter. In his finest flannel, he and Victoria P. line dance their hearts out at a bar. Of course, they make out in a plane, as per the show’s weekly reminder that Peter is a pilot.

The next group date is basically like the show “GLOW” but with pillow fighting — and it’s somehow way more vicious. During the after-party, Sydney confronts Alayah about being “fake” and tells Peter about her misgivings. Peter, bless his soul, sits down with all of the girls and asks Sydney to talk about her Alayah suspicions.

The next day, Chris Harrison stops by the mansion to tell the girls that Peter has decided to forgo the cocktail party for a pool party instead. Peter enters in board shorts decidedly far too short for a 28-year-old man. The next hour is a mini-police procedural, with detective Peter interviewing the other girls about Alayah’s behavior. 

The final nail in the coffin comes from Victoria P., who had previously known Alayah from the pageant world. Victoria P. tells Peter that Alayah asked her to lie about their connection before going on the show. Peter confronts Alayah, who is ostensibly silent for a noticeable amount of time. You can almost see her brain trying to come up with an explanation — she does, but an angsty Peter isn’t satisfied and walks away.

The girls are ushered to the rose ceremony, which many are not happy about since the pool party turned into “The Alayah Show.” After getting down to his last two roses, Peter leaves the room and laments to Harrison about his decisions. Harrison dramatically takes away one of the roses and Peter gives his newly deemed final rose to Mykenna. Alayah walks out roseless and, for once, snitches didn’t get stitches.

Julie Lim covers television. Contact her at [email protected].