UC Berkeley’s student-made matchmaking service has set the campus on fire with love and passion since its launch a few weeks ago. After taking a Berkeley-centered survey with questions that ranged from if you like to eat food to more “meme-y” questions, students’ answers were run through the Stable Marriage Algorithm, and perfect matches were born. On and around Valentine’s Day, many eager students awaited their potential future partners with bated breath — but none more so than our campus’s most eligible bachelor, Oski.
“I know it sounds crazy,” Oski said in an exclusive interview, “but I’ve had a hard time finding love! There aren’t a lot of bears around here who share my love of yellow cardigans and my hatred of Stanford! I had a brief fling with Josie Bruin once, but that lasted about as long as UCLA has been the No. 1 public university.”
When our Clog reporter questioned him about this scandalous information, Oski refused to comment further.
Despite past relationship troubles, Oski has found love through the Berkeley Marriage Pact. While data on the effectiveness of the student matchmaking service is still unknown to the general public, our beloved mascot is an early success story.
On Valentine’s Day, he got the email with his match, checked out her Facebook profile and then took the leap of faith by messaging her the most romantic word in the English language, “heyyy.” This one word sparked a flame that he believes will last forever.
“Her name is Ursa Major, and she’s perfect! I thought it would be a long shot to find another bear that lives in Berkeley, but the algorithm worked!” Oski said. “She also wears white gloves, she’s attracted to guys who walk with their hands behind their backs and she loves me for me, despite my reputation for being creepy.”
Major recently moved to Berkeley after a brief stint as the mascot for a small private high school on the East Coast. She needed a warmer climate and was getting bored of cheering at lacrosse games.
“I was getting too old for high school gigs, so I decided to try my luck in a state with someone who looks like me on its flag,” Major said. “Tinder hasn’t been doing much for me, so I decided to sign up for this strange marriage pact. I wasn’t expecting much, but I ended up finding the bear of my dreams!”
While the relationship is still fresh, we wish the best to our friendly neighborhood bear, Oski. Who knows, maybe we’ll be hearing the pitter-patter of tiny mascot feet soon.
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.
