Game of Thorns: Week 8 of ‘The Bachelor’ goes down under in more ways than one

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As Jane Austen once wrote, “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” If another truth is universally acknowledged, however, it is that a single man in possession of a moderately stable job who may be in want of a wife also sometimes thinks with his d—. Hence, the existence of the fantasy suite dates on “The Bachelor” — the only time contestants are allowed to spend the night with Peter without any intrusive cameras trying to document the saucy activities. (See: Peter’s infamous fantasy suite date with Hannah B. on “The Bachelorette” when they allegedly had sex in a windmill — four times.) 

With Peter down to three girls, the race is getting tighter and the age range is getting younger. Who will end up with Peter’s heart? Will Victoria F. stop being so annoying? Who will lose interest first: Peter in his girls or the audience in Peter’s season? There’s only one way to find out!

We pick up week eight right where we left off, with Madison “stealing a second” with Peter after the rose ceremony. She and Peter talk on a lone bench outside an airplane hanger, and Madi essentially says she can’t move forward if Peter gets intimate with the other girls during fantasy suite week. But don’t worry — Madi said she doesn’t want to give an ultimatum, so it’s definitely not an ultimatum. With that, the gang jets off to Australia with absolutely no mention or reference to the fires that were most likely raging on during their time there. 

But the fire in Peter’s heart rages on as he picks up Hannah Ann for his first date of the week. Just to keep things spicy, the producers decide that the women should all room together that week while each of them takes turns spending the night with the boyfriend they’re sharing. 

While Victoria F. and Madi sulk around, Peter and Hannah Ann go jet skiing. Hannah Ann tries her hardest to show a semblance of emotion, which is passable for Peter. He tells her he is falling for her. They celebrate the date by heading to the fantasy suite and having a steamy makeout session while the poor cameraman who probably went to NYU in hopes of becoming the next Roger Deakins films them.

While Madison continues to unravel (or, as Hannah Ann says, “unwind”), Victoria goes on her date with Peter. The two go on a helicopter tour of the Gold Coast and later Victoria jokingly mentions how well the date is going, considering that they haven’t fought. Yet. But of course, what is a date with Peter and Victoria without her getting overly defensive and pulling out a “Rugrats”-esque whiny voice when Peter mentions anything? The date ends fine, however, and the two also head to the fantasy suite.

Meanwhile, Madi confides in Hannah Ann about her dilemma with Peter and his intimacy with the other girls. Hannah Ann, like all of us, is confused — why go on a dating show known for its fantasy suite dates, especially one that revolves around a man whose sole personality trait seems to be that he had sex four times in a windmill? 

This thought is on everyone’s mind as Madi heads on her date with Peter. The two romantically climb the outside of SkyPoint, one of the tallest buildings in Australia. Is the duo dangling over precarious heights a metaphor for their relationship hanging on a ledge? Could the producers be so poetic? 

Maybe, considering what’s shown during the dinner portion of their date. Madison more firmly brings up the fact that she does not think she can stay on the show if Peter has been intimate with the other women. Peter, who is looking increasingly more like a wounded puppy throughout this season, is shattered because he literally just had two fantasy suite dates with the other women. Overwhelmed by everything, Madison excuses herself and leaves Peter alone at the table, looking like a one-man version of “Les Misérables.”

And, unfortunately, this leaves us with a cliffhanger! Will Peter listen to his heart or to his little Peter? Only time and Chris Harrison will tell.

Julie Lim covers television. Contact her at [email protected].