After a particularly competitive year of applications for the Haas School of Business, it seems as though many students who exemplified the perfect candidate were rejected in favor of another demographic of people: Girl Scouts.
Impressed by the practices of the Girl Scouts, Haas decided to make a strategic, unprecedented decision and reject the armies of straight-A, consulting club, business fraternity applicants who’ve spent the last year and a half perfecting their resumes and telling people they’re “pre-business” — whatever that means.
Why choose the Girl Scouts over the students? First, the hands-on experience. The Girl Scouts make roughly $700 million annually from selling their cookies to the public. Their hard work going door to door — or in the case of Berkeley, strategically placing themselves around the outskirts of the UC Berkeley campus — shows great promise for success in industry, greater than those parked under tents on Sproul Plaza, flyering for their consulting clubs. Besides, with Venmo at the ready, these Girl Scouts are quick to make a sale.
Second, Girl Scouts are just that — scouts. Who sounds like they could survive the cutthroat world of business more: an undergraduate student at a prestigious university, or a scout hardened by the world and competitive cookie sales market who can probably understand Morse code (à la “Parasite”) and survive in the wilderness? College students can barely go to class or get out of bed in the morning, whereas Girl Scouts spend nearly eight hours a day at school and then go to work selling cookies.
Third, Girl Scouts represent something even greater than empowered young women with business experience. They embody innovation. Businesses are always looking for the next big thing they can commodify and sell for an unreasonable price. Similarly, business schools across the country have been finding ways to innovate and educate the next generation in order to set their programs apart. In fact, after conducting experiments with monkeys and money, we hear that the folks at Yale University are considering replacing their incoming class of business majors with chimpanzees. While we’re not sold on the idea of monkeys roaming around campus “Jumanji”–style, we’re excited by their innovation and can’t wait to collaborate on any potential chimpanzee x Girl Scout Cookies x Clog merchandise.
While the practice of replacing an entire crop of Haas undergraduates may seem strange, we at the Clog commend the Haas admissions team for its boldness. We’re sure that nothing will go wrong with admitting Girl Scout who have yet to even start middle school. After all, children are the future.
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.
Contact Zachary Abuel-Saud at [email protected].