Clog Report: Students are out, squirrels are in as UC Berkeley becomes 1st ever squirrel university

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Despite classes now occurring online due to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, the UC Berkeley campus remains a center of higher learning; only, it’s no longer just for people. With all the students Zooming remotely from their homes, the masses of squirrels have descended from the trees and have started studying themselves.

Unlike normal squirrels, the UC Berkeley squirrels actively seek out people on campus to provide them with nuts, or really anything that they can eat. Now that the campus is empty and the squirrels have no one to harass, they have evolved not only to be self-sufficient, but also to use the campus the way it was intended: for learning. 

Socially distanced onlookers watched as what looked like hundreds of squirrels wearing tiny backpacks and carrying little Hydro Flasks roamed around campus, heading into lecture halls, protesting on Sproul Plaza, eating at The Golden Bear cafe and skating on Lower Sproul Plaza. Some squirrels were seen scurrying around Southside, studying in coffee shops. The squirrels have even taken over the Campanile, making it their headquarters and storing all the nuts and acorns they’ve found on campus in it for safekeeping.

Some sources have even seen squirrels partaking in local nightlife, lined up outside Kip’s Bar and Grill and Tap Haus, waiting for their chance to get in. There were also sightings of squirrels, who appeared quite sluggish, at Taco Bell Cantina and at La Burrita late last night, as well as lines of squirrels outside of Artichoke Basille’s Pizza.

“The lines for Artichoke’s on a Friday night were already awful, but now it’s nearly impossible to get my drunk munchies after a long day of quarantined day drinking! These freaking squirrels eat everything!” said student Furry Gorl.

After corresponding with our “squirrel insider,” we’re the first to report that UC Berkeley is no more, and has in fact become Squirrel University. This executive decision was made by Chancellor Nuts and the squirrel regents board. 

“Little did the humans know, we’ve been plotting this takeover for decades. Little moves like taking students’ food at Free Speech Movement Cafe were all part of our 50-year plan to get control of the school. Quarantine moved our anticipated takeover date up by about five years, so it’s been great for us,” Nuts told The Daily Californian in a message delivered via acorn.

Just as Berkeley was the site of the first UC campus, naturally, it is the location of the first Squirrel University. The squirrels have plans to expand their vision for education, opening more campuses across the state to replace the UC system, and then across the country.

We’ll watch the campus in anticipation, as more and more squirrels from around the world pour into Berkeley to attend the first Squirrel University. We don’t know much about this emerging college, but all we can say for sure is that the Squirrel University of Berkeley is the No. 1 public squirrel university in the world.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Zachary Abuel-Saud at [email protected].