The first five months of 2020 have been chaotic: bushfires raging across Australia, the COVID-19 pandemic, the Department of Defense verifying videos of UFOs and now killer hornets being spotted in the United States. While 2020 is off to a rocky start, it seems that each month seems to invite new challenges, ones seemingly so outlandish they have left many to believe that the simulation is broken.
We understand that everyone has questions on their minds these days. But, here’s the most important question: What threat is going to be presented to us in June? We at the Clog have dusted off our crystal ball and taken a peek at what the future holds.
Giant man-eating flowers
As summer officially begins in June, we at the Clog predict that it’s possible that giant flowers could sprout up from the ground; however, these aren’t your mother’s flowers. These are man-eating Venus’ flytrap-type flowers, like something out of a prehistoric swampland. These days, anything could happen!
Dogs start talking
On a more positive note, we predict that some folks, after months of quarantining with their dogs, will hear them speak. Similar to the plot of Pixar’s “Toy Story,” we know dogs have been able to talk for years, but we never seem to catch them. But we know that one of these days, sometime soon, they will slip up.
A child star will be involved in a crazy scandal
It’s been some time since a child star from the likes of Disney Channel or Nickelodeon has gotten in any sort of trouble, but quarantine makes people do crazy things. So, we anticipate someone will be pushed to the brink and some popular child star will do something crazy, such as robbing a bank with a water gun while high on methamphetamines, or maybe throwing an iced coffee and a baby at a police officer, something that seems to fit the 2020 vibe.
Oski will come to life
Rivaling Frosty the Snowman, we believe that it’s possible that Oski will come to life this June. We can’t explain it, but we just have a gut feeling that Berkeley residents will see a somewhat cute, somewhat creepy bear walking around campus in a gold cardigan, wondering where everyone went.
Atlantis will rise
Just in time for summer, we have it on good authority that the lost city of Atlantis will reemerge from the depths of the ocean this June, truly distinguishing 2020 as the craziest year of all time. Maybe the Atlanteans will be super advanced and high-tech, or maybe they’ll just be like octopuses that can talk; we really don’t know much.
Rihanna will drop the album
Perhaps the craziest thing on this list: Rihanna’s long-awaited album could drop in June 2020. We have no idea or reason to believe it’ll drop in June, but we at the Clog like to dream and think Rihanna will decide to give us something out of the kindness of her heart. Maybe she won’t release it, but either way, we’re just trying to put it out into the universe.
I will finally get my life together
Just about everyone on Earth can relate to this, but despite months of quarantine filled with tons of free time, I have yet to do anything useful or productive. Maybe I’ll redownload Duolingo, learn Adobe Creative Suite or draw. You know what, I’ll probably just watch bad TV or stare at my phone while I shove my face with chips and guacamole. After all, no matter what 2020 throws at us, people will always find ways to procrastinate.
Contact Zachary Abuel-Saud at [email protected].