Clog Report: UC to test students on ‘Jeopardy!’ questions in place of SAT, ACT

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In May, the UC system announced its decision to suspend SAT and ACT testing requirements for applicants and move toward developing a new method of testing prospective students. Instead of the traditional standardized test, students will be given five random questions from the television game show “Jeopardy!” to test their college readiness.

“Rather than simply testing reading comprehension and quantitative skills, ‘Jeopardy!’ questions come from a variety of categories, giving students a chance to show us how well-rounded they are,” said Oski Bear, a member of the UC administration. “Some say it’s just trivia, but we think it says so much more.”

The test will take place online. Here’s how it will work: Students will be given five questions at random from any episode in “Jeopardy!” history and have 10 seconds to answer each question. Students who answer four or five correctly will be given priority admittance, students who score a three will be considered average and students who score below a three must hope that their personal essays are very convincing.

For the incoming class of 2024, the university launched a test program for a limited, random sample of applicants.

“In case you’re wondering, it takes 111 days to watch every episode of ‘Jeopardy!’ straight through with no commercials. I know because I did it to prepare. I made flashcards of every question, and it paid off because I was able to get a five,” said an incoming campus freshman. “I didn’t eat or drink or use the bathroom for almost four months. But I got into UC Berkeley!”

Other students had different opinions.

“Really? They’re going to test us on trivia? I want to be an English major; I’m sorry I don’t just happen to know the name of the fourth-longest river in Brazil,” said a rejected UC Berkeley applicant. “And for the one question I did know the answer to, I got points deducted for not framing my answer as a question. I wrote ‘Othello,’ instead of ‘Who is Othello?’ which counts only as half credit.”

Instead of being asked to solve a trigonometry problem, students will now be faced with categories such as “French Royalty,” “Motown Classics” and “The Andes Mountains,” topics every Gen Z student should find relevant and familiar.

“We really wanted to move away from the impracticality and inequality inherent in traditional testing methods,” Bear said. “Jeopardy questions don’t discriminate. We see this new test as a huge blow to inequality and we’re very proud to be pioneering it.”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

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