Clog Report: Ghosts replace UC Berkeley students on campus

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Although COVID-19 has taken over everything we know and love, life goes on. The semester is 2 weeks old, but the campus that is usually teeming with freshly rested Bears is not as busy as it used to be. Instead, we have received reports of eerie behavior on a larger scale than what was observed last Halloween.

In the past week, the alarm at Moffitt Library has been unexpectedly set off three times. The library is supposed to be closed for the semester, so Moffitt staff initially thought that rogue students were trying to get back to their regular schedule by breaking in and studying.

In an official statement, Shoc King, an undergraduate student who used to work as security for the library, revealed who these intruders actually were: “When the library staff went in, they didn’t find anyone. They checked every single floor, with nothing to show for it except for one open textbook lying on a table and a backpack.”

King revealed that the usual protocol for personal belongings is to register them with the library’s lost-and-found database. The library staff confirmed that all such belongings had been placed in the lost-and-found prior to the closing of the library.

Analysis of the video surveillance feed on that floor of Moffitt Library added to the mystery. Footage shows multiple angles of the textbook and backpack hovering several feet above the air on their own accord. We at the Clog believe that this movement is a sign of more ghosts joining our campus community as they take advantage of the pandemic to spend their afterlife productively.

These spirits of the underworld have also been observed attending Zoom lectures. Despite attempts to make lectures safer, students have reported unusual activity during class discussions.

“We were split up into breakout rooms during discussion, and one of the students just used the chat function while keeping their camera off, but then the camera turned on, and no one was there even though messages were still coming in from them,” said Kon Fused, a campus sophomore taking an integrative biology class this semester. “I can’t help but think that it was abnormal, and maybe even … paranormal.”

“Ghosts or no ghosts, I will continue to educate my students as normal,” an anthropology professor said. “Maybe they will add insight to my class.”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Chandini Dialani at [email protected].