Behold: The Quarantine Comfort Living Bed is here

Illustration of a person in a custom bed, beside a body pillow of their likeness, which is standing in for them in class.
Cameron Opartkiettikul/Staff

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Have you or a loved one been afflicted by absolutely terrible posture from staring at a screen for longer than should be humanly acceptable? Has this posture led to comfort-threatening problems such as neck-hurt-itis or an unfashionable hunchback? If this describes you, then suffer no more — the all-new Quarantine Comfort Living Zone is here! 

The brand new, top-of-the-line Quarantine Comfort Living Zone is a revolutionary invention. If COVID-19 brought upon apocalyptic conditions to office and school life, then the Quarantine Comfort Living Zone is the second coming. Many of us are subjected to grueling hours behind the screen, attempting to simulate real life in a small 13-inch to 17-inch rectangle. The Quarantine Comfort Living Zone makes this existential situation somewhat bearable with its Quarantine Comfort Living Bed, accompanied by the brand new “Life is a Simulation” system (not included in the base model).

The Quarantine Comfort Living Bed is exactly what the name sounds like: It’s a bed made to make life easier as the world around us crumbles into disarray. The main feature of the Quarantine Comfort Living Bed is the Quarantine Comfort Work Apparatus, or QCWA. The QCWA consists of four monitors that extend out of the headboard and side storage compartments of the bed and lie above, below and all around you.

With the QCWA, you can easily have your meeting open and perform other menial tasks at the same time. Do you want to go shopping for shoes online because that is your remaining escape from reality, but your meeting is in the way? No problem at all! You can have your meeting open on one monitor and shop on another. With new facial recording software, the QCWA can make it look like your eyes are focused on the meeting, even if you’re looking somewhere else. Furthermore, a lifelike body pillow comes with the purchase of the bed, so you also have the option to put it in front of one of the monitors if you don’t feel like using the facial recording software.

The Quarantine Comfort Living Bed also comes with added padding, so the gluteus muscle group (which can quite frequently lose blood flow after hours of sitting) never feels under pressure. Along with this padding, we’ve added hidden desks on both sides of the sleeping area. With a press of a button, your bed can instantly activate the desks and turn into a writing space with comfort meant for the gods. No longer do you have to worry about your neck drooping or your back busting while taking notes. With the Quarantine Comfort Living Bed, you can live your office or student life all in bed! Plus, with everyone else using the same technology, we can assure you that there will be no awkwardness around your use of the bed.

For extra money, you can also buy the “Life is a Simulation” upgrade package, which comes with nothing more than a virtual reality headset. You could literally buy one off of Amazon, and it would be no different. With this headset, you can truly emulate life in your Quarantine Comfort Living Zone. Every meeting you join can be in your office, and every lecture can be in Wheeler, Dwinelle or whatever lecture hall makes you the most nostalgic.

With changing times, one must change their lifestyle. With the Quarantine Comfort Living Zone, the need for a lifestyle is completely eliminated. Simply wake up, feel like another cog in the machine for however long is required and then go back to sleep. Before you know it, you’ll be out of this fever dream, feeling better than ever before!

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Hamzah Alam at [email protected].