Clog Report: Bay Area authorities, UC Berkeley administration call on Oski to fight wildfires

Illustration of Oski Bear in firefighter gear, putting out a fire with a hose.
Alexander Hong/Senior Staff

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With wildfires raging across the West Coast, many metropolitan areas have been heavily affected by smoke and terrible air quality. Hundreds of thousands have been evacuated, millions of acres have burned down and billions of dollars in damages have been accrued. Amid what seems to be nonstop apocalyptic doom descending upon the residents of the populous Bay Area, local authorities and UC Berkeley administrators have agreed to call on Oski, the legendary Firebear.

Oski the Firebear has a rich history: Since UC Berkeley’s conception, Oski the Firebear has been around, protecting students, professors and Bay Area residents from natural disasters. During the infamous Bay Area earthquake in 1989, Oski the Firebear stepped into action and single-handedly ensured that the Campanile, UC Berkeley’s 307-foot clock tower, would not crumble and fall. In recent wildfire seasons, Oski the Firebear helped ensure the safety and uplift the spirits of students and faculty while campus operations were halted due to poor air quality.

“I have a fond memory of Oski the Firebear sending me quality memes during fire season last year,” said recent UC Berkeley graduate Sapphire Fire. “I later found out that Oski the Firebear was sending hilarious memes to everyone affected by the campus shutdown to keep their spirits up.”

So, not only does Oski the Firebear do supernatural things such as saving the Campanile from falling, but he also keeps the UC Berkeley community of more than 40,000 people socialized and happy when the wildfire season halts normal operations. Many wonder how Oski the Firebear had the ability to do it.

“I live at one of the co-ops around campus, and during one of our house dinners last fall I learned that everyone got an individualized meme from Oski that catered to their personal sense of humor,” said Nat Ural, a senior studying environmental science. “I really don’t understand how this was done.”

All these legends and stories paint a powerful picture for what many consider to be the closest thing to an omnipotent being. But even Oski the Firebear is daunted by the task ahead of him: fighting a fire devouring the entire West Coast.

“My client says that he will gladly take up the mantle of ‘California’s Greatest Defender’ once again,” said Oski the Firebear’s agent, Dean “Green” Tree. 

Although there has been no official statement from Oski the Firebear himself, anonymous sources have confirmed that he will contact the likes of Harry the Huskey in order to fight fires in the Northwest. There has been no indication that Oski the Firebear will utilize local fire authorities to assist him.

“Even if he doesn’t need us, I just want Oski to know that we, the firefighters of the Bay Area, have his back,” said fire chief Issa Lit. “No expense shall be spared in assisting him with his mighty endeavors, and should he need it, we will rally behind him to fight off this inferno.”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Hamzah Alam at [email protected].