In every residential area, it’s categorically certain that there is one person who really, really wants to steal everyone’s ovens. You know them, I know them, we all know them. They seemed to have a peculiar fascination with your oven the first time you invited them over, and ever since then, they’ve been making increasingly overt attempts to steal it from your kitchen.
As Halloween approaches, it brings with it fall colors, pumpkin spice in things you never wanted pumpkin spice in and increased candy prices. However, it also brings with it new opportunities for that one neighbor to walk away with your precious oven. In order to combat this, you must understand what you’re dealing with, so we at the Clog have compiled the top six ways that your neighbor will exploit the Halloween season to steal your oven.
Pretending to be a spokesperson for a Halloween decoration company
If a man in a suit appears at your door talking about “auditing your jack-o’-lanterns” or “FDA-approved skeletons,” well, let him in, of course. It’s important to make sure your Halloween decorations conform to standards. However, if you see this spokesperson getting maybe a little too close to your oven, or even attempting to remove it from your house, you might want to double-check that they’re not actually your neighbor in disguise.
Using Halloween discounts to buy the exact same oven that you have and pulling the ol’ bait-and-switch operation
If you see a suspiciously large package arrive at your neighbor’s door and discover a few days later that an oven that looks exactly like yours is sitting where the package used to be, don’t be alarmed. It’s just the ol’ bait-and-switch operation. That’s not your oven. Your neighbor is trying to trick you into going for a fake so that they can steal your real oven, which is hopefully safe in your kitchen.
Bonding with strangers at Halloween parties and leveraging those connections to put together a team to steal your oven, heist movie-style
If your neighbor starts hanging out with a diverse cast of zany, dysfunctional characters who need to come together as a family and settle their differences to pull off one last job, the most dangerous job of their lives, you might have an impending heist on your hands. Make sure to stay alert and aware, especially if you hear montage music playing.
Hiring trick-or-treaters to ask for your oven instead of candy
This one’s pretty straightforward. If any trick-or-treaters refuse your candy and instead ask for your oven, you can be pretty sure that it’s just your neighbor at it again. Politely turn them down and remind them not to talk to strangers.
Hiding in a pumpkin pie and appearing at your door begging to be baked
If a pumpkin pie appears at your house asking you to bake it, make sure to check inside. If it’s just a pumpkin pie, feel free to go ahead and make your own ethical judgment on what to do with it. However, you might just find your neighbor making yet another attempt to take away your oven.
Becoming a vampire
Your neighbor might become a vampire to steal your oven. Beware.
We know these times make it especially hard to keep an eye on your precious oven and make sure no neighbors try to bamboozle it from you this Halloween, but we hope these tips help you know what to look out for!
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.
Contact Allen Chan at [email protected].