Out of the spotlight: Why you’re not the main character

Infographic depicting the key attributes of a main character
Flora Huynh/Staff

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We all like to think we are the main characters of our stories. Everything is from our perspective, so of course, we’d think we are the protagonists of our lives. But this isn’t necessarily the case. Instead, the vast majority of us are side characters in other people’s stories. While this may feel like a slap in the face or a punch to your ego, it’s not something to be down about — most of us fall into this category. If you’re not sure where you stand, here are some ways to tell you aren’t the main character.

You don’t have your camera on during class

If you don’t have your camera on, your love interest can’t pine over your image. Instead, you fade into the background of a bunch of other names and icons. There’s nothing that makes you different from the rest of the students, unless you have a special image icon instead of just the default letter. That may get you points for being mysterious, but it could also mean you’re more of a potential rival or villain than the main character.

Your natural hair isn’t a bright color or spiky

If anime has taught us anything, it’s that hair is the ultimate sign of main character potential. The crazier and more ridiculous it is (extra points for multiple colors), the more likely the person is the main character. Dyeing your hair doesn’t work, though. Either a protagonist is naturally gifted with insane hair, or it’s a manifestation of their supernatural powers. So as long as you haven’t gotten powers yet, there’s still hope.

People don’t break into song around you

The main character is the center of all the drama and emotion. In a musical, people break out into song when their emotions become too strong. If nobody is breaking out into song around you, then there’s a good chance you’re not the main character (of a musical). Sadly, there is no remedy for this because even if you try to start a big number, you might just be that one side character with their one character-building song.

Nothing really happens to you

The main character is usually the principal actor in the story. That is to say, they cause things to happen, and things happen to them. There is drama, turmoil and conflict with the main character at the center. Everyone is paying attention to their life, and things in their life are constantly in flux. If your life has very little of these things and your days are more or less the same, then you’re not the main character. Again, not being the main character isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Being at the center of a lot of conflict with things happening to you left and right can be exhausting.

By now, you should be convinced: You’re not the main character. Sit back, relax and know your decisions don’t have world-ending consequences. That can be a nice feeling.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Zachariah Nash at [email protected] .