Why we should replace all Christmas songs with VeggieTales music


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In just a few weeks, brightly colored lights will start appearing around our houses, warning aliens to stay away as an apocalypse descends upon our radios. As radio DJs make the inexplicable decision to play the same eight songs on repeat for a month and retail workers become incredibly familiar with Mariah Carey’s voice, perhaps we will look back and regret the situation we put ourselves in. Perhaps we will ask ourselves, “Was there another way?” Here at the Clog, we say the answer is yes. It’s still not too late for us, as a society, to replace all Christmas songs with songs from the beloved VeggieTales franchise this year.

Yes, while the ignorant masses consume their standard Christmas songs about how it’s starting to “look a lot like Christmas” or how “Santa Claus” is going to trespass on their properties, we listen to real music. And now, we’re extending a hand to you, our dear readers. You too can become a VeggieTales soundtrack enjoyer.

The VeggieTales soundtrack spans more than 20 albums and contains hundreds upon hundreds of classics. Furthermore, they are intrinsically associated with the VeggieTales movies, which include masterpieces such as “The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything” and “Veggies in Space: The Fennel Frontier.” Meanwhile, the set of all Christmas songs only spans about half an album and isn’t generally associated with any incredible cinematic experiences.

Not only would you be missing out on nostalgia from classic films, but you would also be abandoning the opportunity for a fresh and exciting experience. As unfortunate as it is, we hardly have time in our busy lives to listen to the entire VeggieTales discography in a regular month. We should take initiative and set aside December this year to enjoy it. Like, we might as well, right? We can and do listen to Christmas music every other year, so let’s change it up in 2020.

Of course, we have to address the elephant in the room. Yes, there are Christmas albums in the VeggieTales soundtrack. This creates a tough dilemma, but worry not. Here at the Clog, we have you covered. Our solution is to save the Christmas albums for Christmas Day itself. That way, you’ll be able to kind of get away with still playing Christmas songs, since, well, it’s Christmas anyway. Don’t question it; it probably makes sense.

Imagine how much better your car rides would be if you turned on the radio to hear animated vegetables performing over minimally produced beats instead of normal Christmas music. Imagine the relief of all the retail workers this year when, instead of having to labor under the oppressive atmosphere of the holidays, they can labor under the oppressive power of Larry’s and Bob’s voices. That’s why this year, we should all strive to avoid Christmas songs and instead opt for the incredible VeggieTales soundtrack.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Allen Chen at [email protected].