How I discovered the optimal way to consume water

Photo of a waterfall
Saanvel Abdullah Khalid/Creative Commons

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About three months ago, I started to regularly drink water for the first time, and my entire life changed in ways I couldn’t have ever imagined. Not only did I feel healthier, but I also made trillions of dollars in real estate, and I found inner peace and my GPA increased by half a point — all in one day! Everything was finally going right in my life. However, about a month later, things just didn’t feel the same. Even though I’d kept my water consumption at higher levels, things just weren’t going my way with the same frequency. Staying hydrated within basic physiological expectations just didn’t have the same effects that it used to. At first, I just thought that I had to increase my water consumption. But no matter how much more water I drank, I couldn’t quite achieve the same supernatural results I got the first time. Then, I was struck with the idea that it was the way I drank water, not the amount, that would give me the answers I wanted. Quality over quantity, as it were.

Over the next few weeks, I would descend into the depths of depravity as I experimented thoughtlessly with different ways of consuming water, chasing the feeling I had for that first month of maintaining a healthy hydration level.

The first thing I tried was combining different ratios of boiled water, tap water and ice. I know, it sounds counterproductive, but boiling and freezing drastically change the taste of water. I hypothesized that I could find a perfect ratio between these three states of water, that mixing them would create just the right reaction. And to some extent, I was right. I finally felt like I was enjoying water again, at least a little bit.

I should have stopped there. I should have walked away with that small victory. But I wasn’t satisfied. I will not go into detail about exactly what I did over the course of my experiments, but I will say that several amphibious animals were involved.

Eventually, my experimentation brought me to a point where I had to get a chest X-ray. After this sobering experience, I pretty much accepted that I would not be able to recreate the feeling of drinking a healthy, normal amount of water for the first time ever again. Not only that, but I also realized my obsession with maximizing my water drinking had resulted in me having less time for side projects, such as my education and my social life. In my chase for the perfect way to drink water, I had abandoned everything else.

I therefore decided to approach my water drinking from a spiritual route instead. I spent several days wandering my city, drinking only half a bottle of water each day and meditating under some waterfalls that I found on my journey.

On the 10th day, I finally saw “the light,” so to speak. I had spent so much time looking for the right way to drink water that I had ignored what I had in the moment. I had been drinking water the whole time, but I couldn’t just enjoy it for what it was. I realized that, in the end, the real optimal way to drink water is taking the journey to determine what this means for yourself, and I encourage you all to take this journey. Stay hydrated, Bears!

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Allen Chen at [email protected].