5 things I learned about love from ‘The Bachelorette’

Illustration of a solitary rose laying on a blue floor in a painterly style.
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I find that everyone has a love/hate relationship with at least one trash television show, the kind of show that makes you want to scream but at the same time, you can’t get enough of it. Mine is “The Bachelorette.” Between cringy dates and scripted drama, there are so many things wrong with this show but regardless, I just can’t stop watching it. So, in light of the newest season of “The Bachelorette” and the soon-to-be new season of “The Bachelor,” here are a few things I have learned about love from “The Bachelorette” (because it does, truly, embody healthy relationships).

1. Love is patient, love is kind, love only takes two weeks to find

Ah, yes. “The Bachelorette” teaches you so many things about love: how it’s as kind as Chris Harrison, how it’s patient in that one waits two weeks to propose. Through an endless number of seasons (more than 20), I would say there is something new to discover about the pace of love in every season, but all of them point to the fact that it only takes about two weeks to two months. I mean, the cheesy firework shows and splitting your time between 30 other men or women provide the perfect environment to fall in love … right?

2. Every date has to be in a different country

If things are rocky in your relationship, the simple solution to any problem, according to “The Bachelorette,” is to simply woo your significant other by planning a date in a different country! This could be anywhere from Canada to Greenland, and be sure to frolic around in some fields while you’re at it. Because, even if they haven’t met your parents yet, you will at least have some cute pictures for the rest of the relationship, however long it lasts. Bonus points if you go to two countries in one date.

3. They say an action speaks a thousand words, but actually, a rose does

Instead of being honest about your feelings in a relationship, “The Bachelorette” has proven that no words need to be said. In fact, your significant other will fall more in love with you if you leave them questioning your relationship and whether it’s going to last. Confirm your love with a red rose in a cultish ceremony. (We need to address the fact that rose ceremonies are weird.) But only use a red rose! No other flower will work, I’ve tried. 

4. Only pay attention to the red in the roses, not the red flags 

Speaking of red roses, the red petals of a delicate rose should be the only thing you worry about on your way to love, not the red flags. Even though you know nothing about your significant other, including who their friends are at home or why they wanted to be on a crazy dating reality TV show in the first place.  Just ignore all these red flags until you are married, or until your dad points them out! 

5. Date 30-plus people at once — one of them has got to be Mr. (or Mrs.) Right

I feel like this one is self-explanatory.

So, that’s my list of the things I have learned about love from “The Bachelorette,” a show about finding true love that only lasts about a year after the season ends. While these reality shows on finding love can, of course, be entertaining, I’m not so sure they should be the model for love that we all learn from.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Isabella Carreno at [email protected].