11 months in memos: A poem

Photo of the sky
Alexandra Shahinfar/Staff

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Nov 16, 2020 2:59PM

Finalize classes

Work on polisci presentation 

Article draft

Email apartment 

 

Nov 9, 2020 1:49PM

I had a coffee today. They gave me a big cup with no ice. It was bitter, but I almost finished it. 

 

Nov 2, 2020 9:16AM

This is not a difficult assignment. I just cannot do it right now.

 

Nov 1, 2020 5:57AM

Wet eyes on the highway

I need to do better. I need to be better for both of them

 

Oct 20, 2020 1:06PM

I’m so pissed! off! 

 

Oct 16, 2020 2:38AM

Hey C—

God, I feel like this is so long overdue. 

 

I miss you a lot. Your presence reminds me of the color yellow and a day with pretty wispy clouds. The smell of clean laundry around the neighborhood brings me back to your house. Why is everyone always doing laundry around here? 

 

I was pulling an all-nighter when I scrolled way back into my camera roll and saw a picture of you. You have the loveliest smile. Like your whole face is glowing from behind your nose and cheeks. They scrunch up and round in the most comforting way. I’m sorry for not being there as much as I should have been. You don’t have to write back if you’re busy, I totally understand. Oh, and happy birthday. I hope you had a moment to pause and breathe. I love you endlessly and hope to see you soon. 

 

Oct 5, 2020 11:17PM

Feeling like the world is crushing me,

 

Sep 16, 2020 8:16PM

You need periods of silence/ pause/ thought/ getting lost to remember where you’re going

 

Sep 16, 2020 5:01PM

The physical space of my home, its sounds, the light, the familiar voices and people in it. 

Eating food cooked by someone other than me or cuddling with my sister,  

helps me with remembering to allow others to care for me, and accept care. 

 

Sep 2, 2020 6:18PM

Grocery list: Avocado Cucumber Tomato Honey cheerios Advil Cough drops 

 

Aug 16, 2020 10:03AM

Have a conversation

Spoil me with your presence

 

Jul 12, 2020 4:22PM

Weed

 

Jul 4, 2020 9:25PM

Baba told me about searching for the rare white leaves on the Iranian tea plantations.

 

Jul 8, 2020 9:19AM

The other night J— was on a whole cocktail of prescription pills, weed, nic, and god knows what else. Oh yeah plus alc. His hands were shaking so much. It can’t go on like this much longer cause what if he goes to sleep one day and doesn’t wake up? 

 

Jun 22, 2020 12:36AM

Trading love for redemption

like pulling babyteeth

broken door knobs and broken-in doors

 

May 29, 2020 5:28PM

F––’s mom said yesterday when someone passes into heaven how you make them happy is to take care of yourself and stay healthy because you have the same blood. If you care for yourself, you care for them too. 

 

May 26, 2020 2:21AM

The house feels too empty without you. It still hasn’t sunk in that you’re gone. 

When we meet again, please tell me stories about the glass factory, Grandad’s motorcycle, and the open skies in Pomogayevo.

 

May 15, 2020 9:37AM

Grocery list: Scallions, Soba noodles (brown packaging), Mirin, Hojicha, Jellies for A—.

 

Apr 22, 2020 4:47AM

!! Self care is important

Getting ready and painting your face is an act of self love and self care. 

 

Apr 17, 2020 9:08PM 

(Guest entry, à la sister)

Zoom date (more like group project)

He looks like he’s about to choke the camera eboy style

“You know I think it could be the internet quality but I thought I heard another voice?”

He’s like a shy puppy hehe

First dates are always awkward don’t worry, it doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you

 

Mar 25, 2020 3:13AM

On the rare occasion I browse the internet for earrings, I always find myself wondering which ones might suit you best.

 

Mar 22, 2020 7:27PM

I just lucid dreamed for the first time.

Tried to crash a car but nobody would let me :(

 

Mar 13, 2020 12:09AM

I have a weighted blanket and I love it so much. 

..i think that tells you everything you need to know about my preferences in bed. 

 

Mar 11, 2020 11:53AM

Return to the house with yellow walls

where the picasso makes faces at you

from across the out-of-tune yamaha. 

 

Kick off your shoes by the crimson door,

and past the hand-painted blue kitchen, 

come home; to the place

where faded persian rugs

swirl below your worn slippers

 

in this special home, 

tokens of have-been and will-go hang

secretively in the corners. 

all the while,

the little etching of Madonna and her golden baby collects dust. 

 

Mar 2, 2020 7:49PM

Things I gotta get around to doing:

delete socials

stop drinking coffee

 

Mar 1, 2020 12:17AM

“You don’t belong to yourself

Your body is borrowed” 

 

Feb 27, 2020 1:42AM

Got coffee today. 

What are you missing?

 

Feb 26, 2020 2:33PM

I called mom today. same stuff again. 

“Are you sure? I don’t know how you came up with that.”

Anyway, 

clinic 3 2nd floor 

3pm Wednesday  

 

Feb 2, 2020 2:44AM

Worrying makes you ugly :(

 

Jan 29, 2020 2:27PM

Reader @ Metro Publishing, 2440 bancroft 

 

Jan 24, 2020 1:07PM

Tchaikovsky takes my soul

like a silk scarf 

he releases me to the Russian wind

and I float up 

at 3/4 time

to the clouds 

higher and

higher.

 

 

Contact Alexandra (Sasha) Shahinfar at [email protected].