The moment she stepped on the music scene, Halsey established herself as a relentlessly candid singer-songwriter. Now five years later, 2020 has seen the release of her third studio album Manic, as well as her poetry book “I Would Leave Me if I Could,” published Nov. 10. She may stray here from music as her means of expression, but creative vulnerability is present all the same. In this debut collection, Halsey continues to be open about mental health and sexual assault, among other personal challenges that have made her who she is.
Composed of just over 80 poems, “I Would Leave Me if I Could” is a literary mosaic congruent with the intention, content and style of her music. Several poems, in fact, went on to be lyrics in a number of her songs. A feminist of grit and empathy, Halsey leads those who choose to listen through a tumultuous wordscape that contours her narrative. Stanza by stanza, she picks up pieces from her past and interrogates her demons.
It seems as if Halsey’s poetry is laid upon a buzzing static. She yearns to “pause” and “replay” moments, her life a lyrical cassette tape. This lends a distinctive, stimulated energy to the words that she puts forth. “The Party,” for one, crafts a whirlwind of insecurity. Hyperaware, she thinks to herself, “My dress is too tight” and “My lipstick is smeared.”
Similarly self-conscious, anxiety grips each and every line in “I Met a Mind Reader.,” where Halsey notices a little girl on the bus looking in her direction. “They say children can sense dread,” a line reads. This poem speaks to Halsey’s ability to reveal pain, but with the fact also that she strains to conceal it – and it is this contestation that drives her poetic expression.
At times, words don’t flow quite the same on paper as they do in song; Halsey is still of course a razor-sharp wordsmith, but there are poems into which her stories can feel crammed. Be that as it may, this makes for a less-than-sophisticated composition, which gifts her poetry uncut charm. In addition, the highly subjective nature of free verse poetry can make for unclear meaning. But to label it as meaningless is unfair, as the essence of Halsey’s art lies in fleeting elements of specificity and personal relevance.
Beyond question, though, is the underlying force beneath Halsey’s work: writing as means of resolution or escape. Or rather, as she says in “Ordinary Boys,” “You write to calm the craving/ To corner them in fiction.” She is best known for her career as a musician, but this is not exclusive to her identity as a writer. In “I Would Leave Me if I Could,” she turns to literature and pens her art on noiseless pages — lending a unique, expressive purity unlike that of any stage.
Troubles are revisited and breakthrough is achieved. Interestingly, one of the last poems, “I Left the Party,” is set in a room that feels familiar. She stands in a kitchen and is struck by a realization: “And I wondered how could I have not noticed/ the ways in which you dulled my senses.” As the title suggests, she proceeds to leave. This departure impresses a newfound decisiveness in addition to the recognition of her brightness that for some time had been dimmed.
Halsey breaks herself down, but only to build herself back up. Through every rewind, pause and play, she and her life reel on. And this pivot to the written word speaks to her artistic courage and capacity. She may want to leave herself, but “I Would Leave Me If I Could” spurs her to face head-on the fact that she is all she’s got. And so, she lays out bare the tape that is her life — which is nothing if not undeniably human.
