Power ranking the many pains of a stubbed pinkie toe

Illustration of a cartoon bear in extreme regret and pain
Willow Yang/File

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Yesterday, as I navigated the harsh terrain between my oven and my kitchen table, I misplaced my foot about three centimeters to the right. As my pinkie toe made contact with the corner of the table and my freshly toasted bagel flew from my plate, I experienced a pain unlike any other: the pain of a stubbed toe. It is quite possibly the most efficient way to ruin your entire day. Here at the Clog, we’re all about bringing relatable content to our readers. That’s why we power ranked each kind of pain you feel when you stub your toe.

1. Physical pain

It seemed that every part of my brain was unilaterally overwhelmed by the sheer physical shock of stubbing my toe. If we’re going to compare the different kinds of pain that I suffered as the wall introduced itself to my foot, good old physical pain definitely makes the top of the list.

2. Emotional pain

Through the process of temporarily integrating my foot into the kitchen’s layout, the primary emotions I felt were betrayal and despair. As I considered the table, which had gone from holding my cups and plates to causing blunt trauma to my right foot, I couldn’t help but feel that I had lost a friend. Needless to say, I was sent into a pit of despair for the rest of the day. Although it doesn’t quite stand up to physical pain, emotional pain definitely deserves to be the runner-up in this power ranking.

3. Existential pain

Stubbing my toe forced me to take a step back, not only literally but also metaphorically. I was sent into a deep contemplation of my life up to this point and the future that I faced. The only thing I could really think about, however, was that I would need to spend the next few minutes feeling a horrific amount of pain in my pinky toe. As my leg retracted and my bagel finally reached the ground, I was made painfully aware of the meaninglessness and absurdity of our daily lives. If I can’t even trust my own feet to not ram themselves into stationary objects, what can I trust?

4. Psychological pain

Unfortunately, the magnitude of psychological pain brought about by my pinkie toe’s expedition into the kitchen furniture failed to meet expectations. Although I faced some annoyance at the inconvenience of having to pick my bagel up from the floor, I just didn’t feel enough psychological pain for it to land higher on the list. Maybe next time.

Please be very careful when walking through your kitchens, readers. Otherwise, you may have to face the many kinds of pain associated with stubbing your toe. However, if you do, you’ll now know exactly what to expect. Be sure to remember us the next time you suffer some sort of minor injury, toe-related or otherwise.

Contact Allen Chen at [email protected].