Brutally honest horoscopes to guide your spring semester

Illustration of the 12 zodiac signs in a bright, springtime palette
Lucy Yang/Staff

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When the start of the semester hits, it’s always a little hard to get yourself back in the groove again. You want to take your time adjusting, but chances are that’s resulted in going back to some of the not-so-great tendencies that you developed over the last semester at Zoom university. What you need is some advice. No not just advice, but brutally honest advice. And not just brutally honest advice, but a brutally honest message from the stars: a horoscope. Look no further, and check out your start of spring 2021 horoscopes for a little life advice that isn’t going to ignore the fact that life right now — well — it’s a little weird.

Aquarius 

Your winter break was pretty bleak, but now that Aquarius season has begun, you have adventures to be had! Well, as much adventure as you can muster anyway. Maybe a trip to the grocery store or a walk outside? Honestly, maybe just doing your classes at the table next to the window instead of the table in the kitchen. That’s exciting, right? These plans are sounding a little lackluster, but you’ll figure something out. Better make it quick though! Mercury turns retrograde in your sign soon — your plans could get a little wonky after that.

Pisces 

Pisces, between the rain and the start to the year, you’ve been seeming a little down. Instead of continuing to self soothe with endless bags of peanut M&M’s and infinite episodes of “Criminal Minds,” try a more productive self-care activity. In fact, this cold, yucky weather is the perfect time for you to tap into your natural artistic side. Maybe knit a scarf, write a song or doodle artistic representations of rain while you look out the window and listen to sad songs, pretending you’re the star of a music video — too far? 

Aries

Aries, now that the semester is starting again, you need something to get excited about — something that isn’t starting fights with people on Facebook or competing with your housemates about who can complain about classes the most. Instead, try applying for some new leadership activities or teaching yourself a new skill such as baking, playing the harmonica or juggling. — you’ve got options. Pick something that doesn’t rely on convincing your housemates to drop their studies, and do something!

Taurus

Calm and dependable Taurus, take this as your inspiration from the stars to do something fun! Seriously, maybe your housemates need to take a turn tucking you safely into bed after you try to run to La Burrita to get a late-night snack at 3 a.m. Seriously, even if you’re confined to your home, make yourself have a little fun, even if that means celebrating occasions that don’t really make sense (for instance, National Backwards Day — whatever that means — on Jan. 31).

Gemini 

Instead of spending all your time being sad because you can’t see your friends and everyone’s always in class — ugh, the audacity — get a little better at being alone, Gemini. Seriously, use this time of prolonged isolation to check in with yourself and find things that you truly love to do. Maybe get back into reading or journaling. Go for a bike ride! Or just curl into a little ball and call your best friend 30 times. Up to you.

Cancer

OK moody, seems like the rain has been affecting you a little too aggressively. Seriously, you’ve gotta stop picking fights with your roommates. It’s OK, the full moon will give you the opportunity to start fresh with your housemates and let go of grudges from past fights. I mean, really, just because your roommate forgot to replace the toilet paper roll when it was used up doesn’t mean you need to ignore them for a full week.

Leo

Admit it, Leo, you haven’t really been putting your full effort into your classes. I mean, last class you sat through that whole 10-minute breakout room without saying anything. To be fair, no one else said anything either. But still, what happened to your natural leadership abilities? What happened to your constant need to be the center of attention? Take control in your classes, whether that means answering a question in lecture or being the one to break the breakout room silence. For an icebreaker, you could always ask them their zodiac sign. 

Virgo 

When you spend all your time overanalyzing assignments and doing readings weeks in advance, you lose some of the excitement in life, Virgo. What you need to do is relinquish a little control and take a risk. Maybe instead of your constant note-taking, you can message that classmate you’ve had a little thing for, ever since they challenged the professor’s opinion in lecture. Or maybe you can just pin their video on Zoom and think about shooting your shot. Your move, Virgo. 

Libra 

OK, so things have been a tiny bit tense in your house lately. Probably because of everyone being cooped up inside. Or the stressful start of the semester. Or the sense of existential dread that somehow seems to extend to every living being right now due to a pandemic that puts your life in much more peril than it normally is in — could be anything. What you can do, Libra, is use your diplomatic skills to keep your housemates calm. Next time a war begins about who left their dirty dishes in the sink, maybe just wash them. You’ll probably thank yourself later.

Scorpio 

Hello Scorpio, what’s with the taking practically a million units and planning incessantly about internship and career plans? It’s great to be assertive and have academic and career goals, but don’t push so hard that you end up melting down. You know, like two months ago before that midterm where you forgot how to sleep, read 200 pages of pure textbook in one night and then felt sick during your midterm because all you had to eat was coffee? Yeah, that’s what you should be trying to avoid.

Sagittarius 

OK Sagittarius, there’s something that needs to be addressed. You haven’t changed out of your pajama pants for three days. Also, instant ramen is not a real meal — even if you put extra vegetables from the back of your fridge in it. That makes it closer, but still! You usually love adventure, but what with the rain and the not going in other people’s homes, you’ve redefined adventure to mean walking from your bed to your couch. You need your mojo back! This is your sign from the stars that you need a mild intervention. Or at least a clean pair of pants to wear.

Capricorn 

Capricorn, congratulations on sticking to your study schedule! Seriously, your discipline is impressive, but maybe you should consider doing something fun such as indulging in a couple of guilty pleasures. You carved out the free block of time on Monday night for a reason, even if subconsciously. For real though, “The Bachelor” is on every Monday and your Tuesday is pretty chill so, indulge a little bit. Maybe even get your housemates in on it! Everyone could benefit from seeing you let loose a little. 

Here at the Clog, we hope you take this advice seriously — whether you believe in astrology or not.

Contact Elysa Dombro at [email protected].