Power ranking the chairs in my immediate vicinity

Illustration of a row of identical white chairs on top of some grass
Willow Yang/File

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In the days of “Zoom University,” I am surrounded by multiple chairs of different sizes and materials all day long. As a species, humans’ natural habitat has become the chair — more specifically, one singular chair. Here at the Clog, we think it’s important that you know the exact ranking of these chairs in terms of my subjective chair standards so that you too can find the one that’s best for you.

1. The chair I am sitting on

This chair is less of a chair and more of a wooden platform that I have placed a pillow on. However, it’s pretty important to me because without it, I would have to sit on the ground. I spend so much time in this chair that I’ve formed a symbiotic relationship with it. Long story short, I sit here all day, so I’d give it a 10/10.

2. The chair directly to my left

This chair is actually identical to the chair that I am sitting on. This is because I noticed that whenever I was not on my chair, one of my cats would commandeer it. This was pretty annoying at first since I would have to wait and coax the cat off the chair before I could sit down and resume my sitting activities. Eventually, though, I realized that my cat just had good taste in chairs. That’s why I compromised and set up a chair directly next to mine with the same kind of pillow on it. Now, there’s a 50/50 chance that the cat will pick the other chair instead of mine, which is pretty vital in making sure that I can get to work as efficiently as possible.

3. The chair even further to the left at the end of the table

This is a much fancier chair with actual cushions on it. It sits at the end of the table where I do my work. There isn’t really anything notable about this chair other than that my mom sometimes sits here and writes reports.

4. The chair directly to my right

This chair is pretty much just there to hold my laptop’s charger up when the Roomba is stumbling around trying to vacuum the chair-infested landscape of my house. It’s sort of at an angle facing directly into the corner, so if I were a first grade teacher, I would probably instinctively mark it as a place to send students for timeout.

5. The chair placed kind of apart from the corner of the table

Yeah, this chair’s kind of weird. It sort of feels as though it could be in a good spot, but when you actually sit down, you realize there’s a gaping chasm between it and the edge of the table. It really doesn’t make sense for this chair to be here. I’m not sure what twist of fate thought it would be a good idea to inexplicably place a chair in the middle of nowhere like this, but here we are. Probably the only notable thing about this chair is that there’s a gray, spherical pillow thing sitting on it. Sometimes, I like to pick this up just to hold it.

Despite everything, all the chairs in my immediate vicinity serve to add something to the area, whether that’s a cat or a place to lift my charger off the ground. We at the Clog hope you can now consider more deeply how you feel about the chairs that surround you, and hopefully, find the one that best suits your needs. After all, it looks like they’ll continue to be your closest companions for the next few months.

Contact Allen Chen at [email protected].