Here at the Clog, we’ve used a few words far too much. Some names have started to mush together and lose all their meanings. The solution we’ve put together? We’re going to slap brand new names on a few of the things that we mention too often, just to spice things up. Here’s the list we’ve put together of things that should be renamed immediately.

UC Berkeley

Sometimes, things just make too much sense. Our school’s name has been the same for more than a century now. People are probably sick and tired of it by now — at least we are. Imagine the folks who have to tally up the colleges every year for rankings or whatever it is they do. Imagine coming back year after year hoping for some excitement, only to be disappointed by those same letters in that same sequence. That’s why we should rename our school to “UC Broccoli,” just to keep people guessing.

California

We’ve always felt there’s a more precise way to refer to the state we live in. For any out-of-state students, the name “California” just doesn’t evoke any specific image. How can we more accurately tie the name to the place so that out-of-state students won’t accidentally book their flight tickets to Washington or something? That’s why calling California “West Nevada” would be much more descriptive and informative.

Any tree that is less than 10 feet tall

Here at the Clog, we refuse to acknowledge any tree under 10 feet as an actual tree. That is a large bush at best. Ridiculous. Moving on.

The Daily Californian

The Daily Cal, parent newspaper of your favorite Clog, is a respected name in Berkeley. However, giving the Clog more immediate recognition in the naming of its broader publication will only serve to increase the newspaper’s fame. That’s why we at the Clog will, effective immediately, begin referring to the Daily Cal as “The Deluxe Clog” — apologies to all you other departments out there. We hope you’ll join us on this venture.

Zoom

Honestly, Zoom is kind of outdated as an onomatopoeia. How was this name decided on in the first place? Picture the world 50 years from now. Are we still going to be calling this video meeting service “Zoom?” Of course not — we need to replace it with newer and fresher sounds. That’s why we propose that from now on, we refer to Zoom as “Whoosh.”

Names often have a huge effect on how we perceive things. Now that you have a few mandatory suggestions from us, we hope you can endeavor to rename some of the things in your own life, and maybe, we can aspire together toward a world in which everything sounds just right.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.