Clog Report: Inspired by Stardew Valley, student drops to become farmer

Photo of Stardew Valley
Angelina Yin/Staff

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Kolby Farmer, a senior at UC Berkeley, disenchanted by the rigors of school and city living, chose his namesake over his college graduation. He reportedly decided after spring break that he “couldn’t do another month of online school after three semesters of it,” and set out to pursue his childhood ambitions instead. His dreams include owning a brown cow named Lila, a dog named Doggo, a goat that produces milk every other day, pigs that will find truffles after being let outdoors, a horse that doesn’t slow down while riding through crops on the farm and a walk-in chicken run.

Friends confirm that Farmer couldn’t be talked out of it. The Monday following spring break, he didn’t even unpack his bags, and instead just “sort of laid there in his bed and stared at the ceiling.” By Tuesday, he was nowhere to be seen. A note, however, was left on his desk at his apartment and shared by his roommates. It read: “and to my very special grandson: I want you to have this sealed envelope. There will come a day when you feel crushed by the burden of modern life … and your bright spirit will fade before a growing emptiness. When that happens, my boy, you’ll be ready for this gift.”

And so, Farmer had really left his old life behind to run a farm and rediscover a sense of purpose. At least, that was what his friends thought until they tracked his location to Moffitt Library. He was found sprawled in a study room with his laptop opened and Stardew Valley launched. The room was reported as “very messy,” littered with Mountain Dew cans and empty Dorito bags. The library staff also noted, with some lingering frustration, that he had refused to leave after his allotted appointment time had ended, despite being asked multiple times.

“I was just trying to reach the 120th level of the mine for the skeleton key,” Farmer later admitted. “I thought that if everyone thought I had left, they’d leave me alone instead of making me go to class.” Farmer’s classmate, who wished to remain anonymous, said she had spotted an open Wiki page of what looked like pixelated fruits and vegetables on more than a few occasions as Farmer was sharing his screen.

As of press time, Farmer has been convinced to finish out his undergraduate career, with the caveat that he’ll take all of his remaining classes P/NP in order to have a sufficient amount of time to live out his farmer dreams in the Stardew Valley.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Angelina Yin at [email protected].